A Few Suggestions for Starbucks this Holiday Season

Starbucks is infamous for its ridiculously sugary (read: delicious) and thematically questionable seasonal drink menu. We all remember the Great Unicorn Frap Debacle of Summer ’17, and the significantly less dramatic Zombie Frap Extravaganza of – well, last month. And, of course, there is the eternal Pumpkin Spiced Latte, first of her name, eminent ruler of all seasonal drinks and spawner of 10, 000 late to class memes.

Frankly though, I don’t think Starbucks is living up to its potential in terms of holiday themed drinks. Live your best life, Starbucks! Throw caution to the wind and really use those little marketing interns that you have hiding deep in the recesses of your corporate offices. But hey – if you don’t want to think too hard, here are some suggestions for this holiday season’s drinks – student style.

The “It’s Freaking Cold and I am NOT Going Outside” Frappuccino

This vanilla-mint delight evokes that first real cold north wind that catches you running desperately between the library and social sciences building, stealing your breath and sneaking up under your coat. You vow to stay inside the rest of the day – month – YEAR – but you still go buy caffeinated ice cream before your evening class, because that’s just how you do.

Ingredients: Vanilla frap base, mint syrup, one shot espresso, candy cane on top, and six pairs of wool socks layered under your hunter boots.

The “Why Did I Willingly Sign Up to Write Three Forty Page Papers” Latte

Way back in September, you thought: “oh, it won’t be too hard, I’ll start early and write on interesting topics – this is what university is all about anyways!” Well, guess what? You were wrong. Four shots of espresso won’t kill you, as long as you add some extra sugar to soak it up, right?

Ingredients: Latte base, four shots extra espresso (yes, that makes six total), three shots vanilla syrup, one shot strawberry syrup, and cookie crumble on top because you need some kind of carbs to prevent death by caffeine.

The “How Do My Boots Have Salt Stains Already, It’s Only November” Latte

Seriously – are these left over from last year? Do salt stains magically appear in cold weather, regardless of the actual presence of salt? In Ottawa, land of snow, salt, and bureaucracy, who knows. The only thing to do at this point is to grab a sweet, salty, seasonally appropriate latte.

Ingredients: Mocha latte base, one pump vanilla syrup, one pump caramel syrup, salt sprinkled on top, and a side of chocolate shavings to match the weird frozen mud that’s everywhere this time of year.

The “Mom, My Finals Are Killing Me and Please Make Me Dinner” Frappuccino

Finals season undeniably and irrevocably sucks, as all students past first semester of first year know. Pushing your way out from under a mountain of papers, books, and pencils is hard enough when you need to go to the bathroom, let alone to make yourself food. That’s when you call on trusty old mom. Or grandpa. Or uncle. Or second cousin Sherry’s boyfriend’s niece. A home cooked meal makes all the difference, and goes great with a very special Frappuccino.

Ingredients: vanilla frap base, two pumps blueberry syrup (to match the bags under your eyes, natch), a touch of almond milk for protein, and a side of hot home cooking before your have to burrow back into your mountain of papercuts.

There you have it Starbucks; four fabulously appropriate seasonal drinks. Don’t forget to credit me when you inevitably decide to release these, and I wouldn’t mind a cut of the profits either!

 

Sources: all photos were drawn by Mercedes Cant