Existing is hard and sometimes we falter. Whether you’ve received a diagnosis, or are just self-aware enough to know that there’s something going on when you can’t get out of bed or make a meal for weeks at a time – this one’s for you.
I want to preface by saying that I am not a mental health professional and that everybody experiences mental health differently. My experiences may be different than yours, and what works for me might not work for you, and that’s okay.
Depression, anxiety, and most mental illnesses are life-long. While depression can be managed with medication, psychotherapy, healthy support systems, holistic approaches, or anything else that works, it never really goes away. It often comes back in waves, long waves, that hold you underwater for weeks, months or years. These periods can be disorienting, and constant detachment and hopelessness can have you feeling like a shell of yourself.
It feels like you’re drowning even though you know how to swim. And it never fails to be completely devastating when you feel like you’re doing okay and then get pulled back under.
The Kids Are Not Alright
When dealing with this unpredictability, being aware of the signs that your mental health may be deteriorating can be critical in knowing when to intervene. These signs can include messy sleep schedules (ie. sleeping too much or too little), lack of energy, joylessness in things that used to bring you joy, problems surrounding food or making meals (especially for people who also have body issues and eating disorders), not eating all day and then binge eating at night, not keeping up with personal hygiene or cleaning your home – when your mental health slips washing your hair or doing the dishes can feel like tasks of Sisyphean proportions, slipping into nostalgia or making up fantasies to distract yourself from reality, and staying in these fantasies for as long as your mind will let you, waking up everyday with a pit of dread in your stomach, crying all the time, watching an inordinate amount of television (hello Gilmore Girls), being irritable and angry, snapping at those around you, feeling okay for one second and then being on the ground the next, heart palpitations, stomach aches, excessive sweating …. the list could go on.
Of course, self-awareness doesn’t always translate into actions, especially if you’re already feeling pretty badly.
What can you do?
I’m literally asking, what can you do? Because maybe the answer is not much. It’s easy to know what you should do. Reach out to friends, family, support systems. See a doctor, discuss the medication route, adjust your meds. Go to therapy. Discuss other coping strategies like practicing mindfulness or gratitude. Do yoga. Get enough movement for the day, drink lots of water, eat your meals, sleep for 8 hours.
But it’s never really that easy. Shame and self-loathing are quick to set in, and soon you’ll be questioning how many times can you trauma dump onto friends before they no longer pick up the phone. Medication, more than not, doesn’t work or takes multiple trials and multiple weeks of numbness to provide any resemblance of regulation. Therapy is expensive and not accessible or sustainable for most people. How are you supposed to meditate when your mind is yelling at you, or exercise when you’re immobilized?
Listen, the gratitude trend makes sense. It makes sense that being aware of the good things in your life and practicing thanks on a daily basis could translate into long lasting positive change. But depression does not make sense. So telling a person who wants to die to write down three things that they’re grateful for everyday is perhaps more tone deaf than helpful. There’s a thin line between the general idea of gratitude and the toxic positivity of the wellness industry. And gratitude journals themselves often leave little to no space for sadness, grief, or you know, mental illness. Trying to write daily affirmations while sobbing into a journal is not it.
What can you do?
At the very least, know that you’re not alone. Know your red flags. Monitor your moods via a mood calendar to get a sense of when it’s time to reach out. Sometimes we’re just going to be in a depression spiral, but if you feel ready and able, any of the following tend to help me out. Sharing my feelings with friends, family, or my journal. Water and fresh air. First of all, drinking water (you don’t need to fill a 3L jug, just take it one glass at a time). Or if you’re lucky enough to live near a body of water, take to the sea as if you’re an ill woman of the 1800s. Going for a little walk, sitting outside, or even inside by a window can have sun rays feeling like they’re coming from a serotonin gun. When I’m in the thick of it, getting on the ground, as in literally laying/sitting on the ground can help me feel, well, grounded. When struggling with eating, buying food that doesn’t require a lot of prep – like bread for toast, bananas, oatmeal, or those little pre-packaged meals can make it much easier. Make your bed if possible, put on a comfy show, clean a dish or two. Just doing one 5 minute task can make all the difference.
While it may not feel like it in the era of ‘that girl,’ it is completely okay to not be okay, and when you’re at your worst it’s okay to be, dare I say, ungrateful.
The Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1.833.456.4566
Kids Help Phone: 1.800.668.6868
Hope for Wellness Help Line: 1.855.242.3310