Beardology: The Guide to No-Shave November

Movember (also known as No-Shave November) is in full swing! Aside from keeping us all entertained, this trendy movement happens to be a month-long journey in which participants forgo shaving and grooming their facial hair. Ultimately, the campaign aims to elicit conversation and recognize issues surrounding men's physical and mental health. Non-profit organizations, such as the Movember Foundation, have capitalized on the evolving trendiness of “moustache culture” to engage with millions of people every November. What’s more exciting is that since it’s humble beginnings back in 2003, the Movember Foundation has funded more than 1,200 men’s health projects around the world. Throughout their success, they have also inspired support from over 5 million Mo Bros and Mo Sistas! These types of movements are transforming both the way research into men’s health is done as well as the way that health services reach and support men. These organizations challenge the status quo and are showing tremendous initiative in the territory of prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health and suicide prevention. By growing awareness, these nonprofits can continue to help men all around the world live happier, healthier and longer lives.

In honour of No-Shave November, I would like to share a few fun facts (of what I like to call beardology) that I have recently gathered. Keep in mind that while some of these facts are based on science and history, most are purely fictional! There’s no better way to support our hairier counterparts than to spread some knowledge and humour, am I right?

 

 

10 Mostly False Beard Facts:

 

1. Stroking of the beard increases concentration, cognitive ability and gives you new ideas.

Throughout history, beards have indicated status and prestige. In fact, ancient philosophers wore their beards as a badge of their profession and even the ancient Egyptians wore fake metallic beards to mark special events. It’s safe to say that with a great beard comes great responsibility! Since facial hair directly translates to wisdom and power, bearded men have the innate ability to demonstrate better focus and wisdom at any given time.

 

2. Filters the air of toxins, pollution and stray food.

The perks of a great beard, go deeper than the surface. Not only will you look great, but a beard will also protect your face from damaging UV rays. Why spend money on serums and night creams when you have a much cheaper anti-aging solution growing right under your nose! While we’re on the topic of beard functionality, have you ever thought of your facial hair as a filtering system? If you suffer from asthma, a beard can totally trap dust particles and pollen before they have the chance to enter your respiratory system.

 

 

3. Natural bear-repellant when camping or wandering in the woods.

A brief history of the beard shows that since the dawn of man, facial hair has always been ubiquitous. So it’s strange that in our day and age, something so natural and quite inescapable is considered by many to be objectionable. There are obviously many sartorial differences between cavemen and our cultural successors (hipsters), so what’s all the fuss about? When you think about it, every variation of grooming facial hair is a shift from the median. Consequently, if Neanderthals (the baddest) could use their appearance (their beards) to intimidate their fiercest opponents, so can you. Major key to fighting off wild animals on your next camping trip.

 

4. Acts as a homing beacon attracting the jealousy and admiration of the beardless.

Men with facial hair are perceived as more masculine than the average (clean-shaven) Joe (because science). Perhaps unsurprisingly, facial hair sends all sorts of messages. Examples include maturity, competency and higher overall status. I’ve actually read in some places that B.E.A.R.D. can also stand for “Being Exceptional Among Regular Dudes”.

 

 

5. Dramatically increases your wood-chopping capabilities.

The beard seems to have a strange life-improving power. It’s ability to magnify any existing skills is practically limitless. Take Ben Affleck for example, once considered past-his-prime, he suddenly wins an Oscar and is back at the top of the pile as soon as he grows a beard. There’s also Steve Jobs. In his baby-face days, the guy’s business nearly failed. He comes back armed with a beard and now Apple is one of the world’s most successful companies. Coincidence? I think not. Basically, if you ever get bored of your 9-5 desk job, grow a beard… at least then you’ll have a back up career option as a lumberjack or any other manly profession.

 

6. Lets you instinctually know where the nearest mountain is.

A scientific study (conducted by me) also indicated a direct correlation between facial hair and relative outdoorsiness. This study also suggests that, not only does your beard look sweet blowing in the wind, it can actually improve your sense of direction and point you in the right direction (the wilderness: a bearded man’s natural habitat).

 

 

7. Fits on your face.

We’ve already established that men have facial hair. They actually can’t help growing the stuff. Sure, they can shave it off and hairy doesn’t suit everyone, but the “normal” state of a man is bearded. What most people don’t know is that this apparatus also doubles as a multi-use tool. The possibilities are practically endless! You can grow your own scarf to keep you warm in the winter (they're great for sledding!) and you can save leftover crumbs from your last meal in case of emergency!

 

8. Quadruples handsomeness.

Beards aren’t only for old people like Dumbledore and Santa Claus. Female participants in studies that have analyzed male facial hair have rated heavy stubble as the most attractive look. Men equally enjoyed the appearance of heavy stubble or a full beard. Turns out that beards are just as trendy as mason jars and thrift-store flannels! In fact, when I asked my bearded friend to rate his success rate with women, he simply said, “When someone asks me if my beard makes me hot during summer, I like to reply 'It makes me hot all year long' #beardswag.”

9. Beards are almost completely immune to sarcasm.

Would you have the guts to mock Wolverine? The answer is no. Put simply, that dark and brooding look will pierce your heart like a thousand daggers.

 

10. Science has shown that beards rarely sleep.

On average, men will have spent 145 days shaving by the time they die. Since beards stop you from shaving, you’ll have about that much extra time to do whatever you please. Talk about productivity! As if you needed more reasons to respect the scruff this month.

 

Finally, I hope that you’ve learned a thing or two after reading this article. No-Shave November is truly a unique way of growing cancer awareness. Happy Movember! 

 

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4