Have you ever possessed a superpower that seems like it provides you with a competitive edge, but then gradually becomes a detriment to your life?
I have an eidetic memory; my whole life, I have been able to visualize and recall vivid experiences and conversations. Tell me your birthday once, and I swear I will remember it enduringly. Ask me the date or location of any historical event, and I will provide you with the day of the week it took place as well. Challenge me to recollect what the weather was on a random summer evening, and I’ll describe the streaks of color in the sky upon sunset that night.
This sixth sense, if you will, has opened my eyes to just how powerful the brain is. However, it simultaneously made me realize the darkness behind the ability to remember experiences I’ve suffered; and feelings I’ve attempted to bury, annihilate, and incinerate.
March 20th, 2023 (yes, of course, I know the date) will forever be engraved in my mind. It is the day I acknowledged how much time, energy, and effort I wasted on worthless individuals; how much respect I lost for myself; and how much of my self-worth went down the drain; how much I wished that I could block myself out.
The inner workings of the human psyche contain possibly the most complex, twisted, and haunting concepts. Personal demons – once they enter one’s life – are very much present and persistent. And unfortunately, getting rid of them is easier said than done. Trust me; I can attest to this on an intimate level.
The common cliché that poor experiences lead to valuable lessons holds true, but aren’t there some lessons that you never deserved to learn?
Isn’t it funny how one individual, one soul, one being, can enter your life and destroy everything pure with the snap of their fingers? Isn’t it funny how they can make your superpowers feel like weaknesses?
As much as I wish I could forget my freshman year of college, it plays like a movie in my mind 24/7, 365. Despite the advice and concern that my family, friends, and peers were expressing to me, I voluntarily and consciously stayed in a relationship so heartbreaking and poisonous that its effects still mildly linger today. And that’s what pains me the most: knowing that I did not listen to the individuals whom I hold closest to my heart and consider my most trusted confidants. I cannot even look at pictures of myself from last year. I often ponder, who is that girl and what the hell was she doing? Sometimes, if I look long enough, I can only see sadness veiled in those smiles; agony locked in those eyes; timidness dispersed through that posture. Pictures are worth a thousand words, and in relevance to this article, a thousand memories.
On March 20th, my whole world shattered, utterly crumbled. I could not speak, think, or focus. A girl whose world was once 150% centered around her academics now could not get herself out of bed for essential lectures and discussions. A girl who prioritized her loved ones and friends could not pick up any of their phone calls or answer any messages. A girl who was once honest and true to herself and others found herself making excuses and masking the truth. I was so consumed in this individual, this relationship, that once it ended, there was virtually nothing left; nothing left but my damn memory. I was lost… Lost in the memories.
This is how my photographic memory has now contributed to my past downfall, and why oftentimes I wished someone or something could reprogram my mind and wipe it clear. I used to love staring at my ceiling late at night and mentally reciting all of the conversations I engaged in and sights I admired. Up until recently, I associated sleep with a negative connotation because I could not bear to dwell on my recollections; my sleeping habits became poor which gradually affected several other aspects of my life. I was not just dwindling mentally, but physically as well.
The strongest principal of growth lies in the human choice.
– George Eliot
Humans, however, forget how truly resilient they are in times of distress, misfortune, and disappointment. Scientifically and psychologically speaking, this idea has been proven. Neural plasticity is the ability of the nervous system to alter its activity in response to intrinsic or extrinsic stimulants by reorganizing its structure, functions, or connections on its own. To put it more simply, when individuals feel at their lowest (physically or emotionally), the neurons and cells in their brain shift, grow, and spread, allowing people to recover and heal swiftly. If someone endures a shocking injury while playing a sport, the neurons in their brain will regenerate, which in turn allows the pituitary gland and hypothalamus to release endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers. Neuroplasticity also applies to mental conditions and illness as well as it promotes learning new skills, gathering and utilizing new information, and recovering from addiction.
If there is anything that I have taken away from my experiences last year it is this: when you are at rock bottom, when you feel as if there is no one and nothing to pull you up from the pit you have been thrown into and imprisoned in, the only way out is onwards and upwards. And no, you will not climb out of said pit overnight; your self-improvement and personal ascension will occur steadily and when you least expect it. The neurons in your brain will re-circuit and expand, allowing you to gain a mental and physical strength you never knew you were capable of attaining.
This summer, I came home with the mindset that my goals, purposes, and life were forever flawed and sabotaged. On April 29th, I received an unexpected phone call from a woman telling me that I was hired to work as a medical assistant. I was so wrapped up in the heartache that I had completely forgotten about a job I had applied for in late January. (This was the first step out of that pit!) That same day, I surprisingly got myself out of bed and drove to Scrubs and Beyond to purchase the necessary attire for my new job. I was so thrilled by this opportunity that I also decided to register for spring and summer term classes. My motivation was heightening again; there was a fleck of light again.
I started to crave more. I applied for another job as a medical scribe and before I knew it, I was up at 6:30 am every morning and worked till 3:00 pm for five days a week. Class took place at 4:00 pm every day, my father and I worked out at the gym together till 6:00 pm, and I would go home and study. My life began to occupy a structure again and my days revolved around healthy habits.
I like to think of myself as someone who never gloats. But, goddamn, I leveled up this summer, and all on my own!
So, what is the point of this lengthy, dragged-out article? Its purpose is to reveal the clear-cut evidence that anyone, and I mean anyone, can get themselves out of a rut, even when it feels like the world is against you and continues to pull you down. Take those punches, but learn how to grow from them, because your body and mind are already one step ahead of you!
Ultimately, if anyone robs you of something you are proud of or ruins your super-strengths, remember that you have the power to flip your narrative and level the hell up. And don’t worry; karma will soon hit those who turned your world upside-down.
I will leave you with one last thought: once you explore your period of re-growth, you will never feel lost again. However, the individuals who wronged you will soon realize their damage and will eternally be lost without your presence.