August 14, 2016
“I feel as though I’m stuck in this endless summer. After this, nothing will be the same. Similar sure, but at the root different. While I know moving forward is greater in every way, the thought of closing off such a significant chapter of my life is both riveting and terrifying. It is a shaking thought that I’m leaving the comfort of people who have known me my entire life.”
Trying to keep sane throughout a stressful senior year, I decided to keep a journal. I wrote when I was on either ends of the emotional spectrum — distressed or overjoyed. Most of my entries revolved around the unknowns of college, the ins and outs of which I have only just begun to decipher. How is it that in two short but very long weeks I will be home once again. In my bed, in my town. Though I’m still here, in Ann Arbor, I already miss it — the city, my friends. Why can’t college be college, what with all the people and places, just without the work? How ideal. As I wrap up freshman year, I’d like to look back on what I thought it might be like and compare my expectations to what it’s truly been like. To do so, I’ve included excerpts from these journal entries, ones that reflect my experiences so far.
Here goes nothing.
August 30, 2016
“In two short but very long days, I will be moved into Ann Arbor. To be completely honest, I never believed I’d live to see this day. When you’ve wanted something for as long as I’ve lusted after Michigan, it seems impossible to finally grasp it. I definitely thought I was going to die before attending — how morbid. These expectations scare me as well; I worry they might be too high. What if I’m completely lost?? What if I hate it?? Ah okay, settle down. While this unknown is terrifying, I’ve never been this excited for anything, ever. On all accounts, I’m ready.”
At the end of the summer before coming to the University of Michigan, I was antsy to say the least. I’m a worrier and these griefs were directed towards my time here in Ann Arbor. Written in the last few hours of my time at home, this entry displays these despairs I often poured over, along with the excitement that the prospect of new experiences held.
January 25, 2016
“More and more I’m worried about making friends. How does one become close with people when there are so many options? Bigger sea, smaller fish. But seriously, I’ve never had an issue before, so I surely hope that continues. Man, I just want to find a core group of nice and normal girls and guys. That’s probably a lot to ask. Can’t wait until I read this and shake my head at these unnecessary woes.”
The prospect of making new friends was a challenge that weighed heavily on my mind. Having had the same group of friends for six years in high school, I had never had to make entirely new ones, and it was a prospect that frightened me to the core. Looking back, I found this next entry, one that answers these questions I posed in January of my senior year.
October 17, 2016
“I’ve found some wonderfully patient, hilarious, and kind people. I’m impressed and proud every day at how genuine they all are. I’m constantly excited to see them and the support I receive is unreal. They’ll mosh with me at any empty tailgate in a heartbeat. They even support my crazy frog addiction.”
Written during the slowness of fall break, this was the first journal entry of my college career, one written much later than I had previously hoped. Nevertheless, the point is evident. In response to my January entry, I definitely was shaking my head at the long list of worries I previously rattled off. Though I was only six weeks into my freshman year, these friends lasted into my next entry.
December 23, 2016
“When did life get so grand? I mean, really. Is there a certain day when the universe decided to become perfectly ordered and simply so? If that’s the case, I’d like to learn the date and time, so as to make it a National Holiday. Or, at least a personal one… Never have I ever felt so confident and proud of my friendships. Those whom I closely associate with are ones I am bursting to love. I don’t know how to articulate it. I’m waiting for things to go sour and wishing they never will. Maybe it’s the novelty, but this all feels right.”
I remember being curled up in the corner of my room writing this. Outside, the snow fell fat and slow, and I was illuminated only by a blinking Christmas tree. From break to break, my friends had sustained, a fact I was most proud (and a little surprised) of. I remember appreciating the familiarity and simplicity of good old Grand Rapids, Michigan, but yearning for Ann Arbor. I had two homes now, a fact I had to get used to. It’s strange when half of your heart is left somewhere you are not. The feeling of serenity I felt while writing this entry was one I tried to hold onto, as the semester caught up with me.
February 18, 2017
“…Days like today are plainly gifts from God — well deserved ones to slow down and appreciate each other and our surroundings. I love nature for this reason and I often feel I don’t get adequate exposure here. Life is so fleeting, and I especially notice that now — as everything is so fast-paced. It’s as if no one would stop and smell the roses if there were roses on the Diag. As an avid smeller, this bothers me. Everyone, myself included, is so caught up in midterms and grades and majors that we often forget about something exponentially more significant — others. If I can make one person’s day easier, even in the littlest way, why wouldn’t I?”
In the midst of the chaos school often brings, I managed to find time for this entry. Sitting on a quilt in the Diag amongst my friends I had written so highly about, life seemed perfect. Sure, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, nor what was going on in my Economics class, but I had those whom I loved surrounding me. That is the most important thing. Cheesy, I know. It’s not what you do, it’s who you’re with. This fact is one hard to grasp, especially with all the ambition and pressure a place like the University of Michigan fosters, but nonetheless, is at the heart of it all. It’s something easier said than done, especially when you get all wrapped up in finals and midterms and grades as all students do. But, at the end of the day, C’s get degrees. Well, they do, but that’s not my point. Another cliché, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to remember what I got on my first economics exam (maybe I will, it was pretty brutal), but I’ll definitely remember those with whom I spent my nights. I guess I’ll have to see if my hopeful theory proves correct.
This leads me to my latest entry, one that sums up the entirety of my fleeting freshman year. In these three sentences, the trials and tribulations of my earlier woes have begun to become resolved. Though I’m still not sure what I’m majoring in, nor what is going on in economics (I love you, Ronald Caldwell), I can at least boast of the devoted friends I’ve met and the countless connections I’ve made. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that matters.
March 29, 2017
“Once again I wonder, how am I so lucky? What have I done to receive all I have been given? Maybe someday I will find out, but until then I’ll have to settle with being thankful.”
Photos courtesy of Annelise Droste.