For a long time, I was insecure about being an introvert.
All of the extroverts around me had an easier time speaking up in class to gain participation points, having small talk with people they didn’t know well, making a ton of friends, spending hours upon hours hanging out with others, and doing various activities throughout the day. I have a hard time doing all of those things, and it made me feel like I was lacking something important that came naturally to all of them. I thought that maybe I was insecure and shy and never came to terms with it or realized it, or perhaps I was just a quiet person who didn’t like people. I didn’t understand why interaction with others felt so, for lack of a better word, off to me.
I knew I was an introvert, but I just thought that was a word describing that I’m a quieter person in general. Not an entire word that could encompass all of the things that I thought I was lacking in or doing wrong. It wasn’t until I took a psychology class that I realized that being an introvert didn’t mean being quiet and always getting labeled as shy.
Every introvert has a series of different traits to different degrees, so here is some information on what traits some may have:
- While some may be socially anxious and shy, others like being around people.
I wouldn’t say I’m shy, but I’m definitely hesitant around new people. Though I love talking to people who know how to hold a conversation, unlike others who just wait for me to guide the entire conversation, like I’m an interviewer. It’s those conversations that make me want to scream.
- At the end of the day, most introverts enjoy solitude because social interactions and high stimulation can tire them out.
I definitely enjoy my dose of solitude. When I went to New York for spring break with my friends for a week, I had the absolute best time, but when I say I was exhausted, that is an understatement. I never had a moment alone, which is a best-case scenario for some people, but for me, it was tiring. I learned after that trip that I need some nonverbal time alone each day to recharge. I’ve also noticed that entire days of socializing, such as holidays or when I work at a clothing store in the mall for an extended period of time, I also get absolutely exhausted.
- Not all introverts are quiet because they lack confidence. Some may just need more time to think before they speak because they’re more reflective, or would rather listen to others than speak themselves because they’re not fond of being the center of attention.
I always take a longer time to respond because I often like to completely plan out my answer in my head before answering. Of course, I don’t do this all of the time because that’s impossible. During class, it’s a hassle to deal with because, sometimes, I really want to raise my hand, but it takes me a minute to figure out what to say, and by the time I figure it out, someone else has already answered the question.
- Introverts commonly prefer a close, smaller circle of friends rather than a larger group of friends.
I have maybe five friends I talk to regularly, and they’re my favorite people in the world! Other than that, I have people I used to be friends with in high school, but I rarely talk to them or find myself reaching out to them each day. After having a big friend group in high school, I’d rather have a smaller circle because I feel so much closer and comfortable with my friends today.
- Most introverts prefer to work independently rather than participate in group activities or projects.
Group projects should be illegal and labeled as “cruel and unusual punishment” because why do I have to teach a bunch of grown, University of Michigan students how to communicate? I don’t think it should be this difficult. I’d much rather work alone.
- A lot of introverts enjoy deep conversations over small talk or larger group conversations.
Small talk sometimes just feels so pointless to me. My go-to is to complain about Michigan’s weather, which is something everyone has strong feelings about, but it just feels so shallow to me. I’d much rather ask more interesting questions, but I’d probably be seen as weird.
I fall within a range of these traits, sticking somewhere in the middle for most of them, but at the same time, group projects and small talk are among my least favorite things in the world.
When starting at college, I became insecure about the fact that I didn’t fall face-first into party culture like my other friends did. I prefer to spend my nights relaxing by reading a book, spending a chill evening with friends, watching TV, or even just driving home on the weekend to spend time with my family. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me because I didn’t enjoy parties as much as I thought I should and that I was being judged for lugging my overnight bag down the elevator many Fridays to bring it home over the weekend.
I went frat hopping on my first weekend in freshman year and never went back because while the experience was occasionally fun, I mostly felt uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and a little bit afraid of the giant, sweaty dudes jumping around me because some of them just set off my internal “run away” sensors when they looked at me, if you know what I mean. It took me a long time to accept that it’s okay that parties aren’t my thing, but I do occasionally feel a rush of insecurity when someone looks at me incredulously or oddly when I say I don’t go out often.
Watching Tam Kaur, a self-help YouTuber, really helped me feel validated as an introvert because she gave advice and debunked common misconceptions about introverts, such as that all introverts are shy and avoid social situations. She helped me realize that I can be confident and an introvert at the same time, which is something I hope all introverts learn because hearing “insecurity” and “introversion” used synonymously all the time can make people believe they’re insecure as a result of being introverts, but that just isn’t true.
Also, after doing some more research, I realized that, unfortunately, introvert traits aren’t really celebrated in our society. Students who speak up in class often are praised and get higher points, even if not all students learn that way, or if they have my problem, which is that I never have time to raise my hand because I like to think through my answers before raising my hand. Also, more outspoken people are generally more represented as main characters in pop culture, and outspoken individuals are also seen as kinder than those who are quieter. Quiet people sometimes get seen as judgmental or intimidating, even if their personalities are the farthest from those things.
I want to tell all of the introverts reading this that you’re very special and unique because you have a different perspective on the world, and that makes you very valuable. I want you to embrace your introversion and appreciate that it makes you who you are. You’re not weird for staying in on the weekend, wanting to cancel plans to stay alone in a room and read a book, or just taking too long to think of an answer before raising your hand—it’s not a negative thing to be quiet and its negative connotation shouldn’t be normalized.
If I could go back and talk to freshman me—the girl lugging her overnight bag on Friday nights while feeling like she was doing college all wrong—I’d tell her this: you’re not missing out. You’re just doing it your way. And that’s more than enough.