Spooky season just passed and the holidays are around the corner. The air is nice and cool outside, and the leaves are crunchy. All these things can only mean one thing: its cuffing season. That means matching pajama sets, cozy movie dates, and a soft launch on Instagram of your new man. But it seems to me like we’re in a situationship apocalypse instead. No one wants any labels. The talking stage lasts longer than the Stranger Things season five premier. People are basically in relationships but there’s often no real stability, partnership, or respect. Why is it that in this new era there are men that want girlfriend privileges without making the woman they’re interested in their actual girlfriend? The amount of effort and respect that they have to put into these relationships isn’t high, the bar is basically on the floor. You’ll go on a couple of cute dates, meet each other’s pets, spend months hanging out almost every day, just for them to turn around and say, “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” And because we’re all lover girls at heart, we ignore all the red flags. Pink and red look alike, right? Or maybe we can be the one to change them, the exception. Spoiler alert: they’ll never change, and you’ll just end up with a broken heart and a lot of wasted time. So, here are the three big red flags that we really shouldn’t dismiss.
Red Flag #1: There’s emotional intimacy without any true commitment
This is the guy who seems emotionally intelligent. He’ll open up about his feelings, talk about his traumas, call you when he’s upset, and tell you that you’re his “safe space.” He basically treats you like his personal therapist without really listening to how you feel. Guys like this like the comfort and reassurance that you provide without giving the commitment that typically goes with it. It feels like there is intimacy in the relationship because he opens up to you and makes it seem like you’re special, but again you’re just filling the void of a therapist. Just because there is an emotional closeness does not mean that that person is emotionally available. Bonding with someone feels nice in the moment, but most of these men just want that validation. It’s not because they want something real.
Red Flag #2: The effort is inconsistent
This red flag is easy to see, yet somehow it’s always ignored because, when they do pay attention to us, it feels so nice– the double texting, going on dates, randomly calling you, sending you memes that remind them of you. But the next week, suddenly they’re so busy they can’t seem to send a single text. His excuses may be, “School has been so stressful,” “I’m just so busy right now, I’ll text you when I’m free,” etc. Nine times out of 10, he’s none of those things. He’s doing just enough to make it seem like he’s interested but not enough for you to have high expectations of a serious relationship. And just when you’re about to lose interest and swear to never text him again, he pops up with a “morning” text. It’s like they can sense you’re about to lose interest and can’t let that happen. Going on rollercoasters can be fun but not when someone is playing with your emotions.
Red Flag #3: You’re acting like their partner without ever being asked
If you’re doing relationship things like texting every day, spending nights together, making plans for the future together, meeting people in his life, these should all make you a girlfriend or partner, but when his friends ask who you are (if they even know about you) he says, “we’re just hanging out.” You’re clearly giving ‘relationship,’ and he’s giving ‘it’s just convenient.’ Just because we act like girlfriends and care, doesn’t mean that he sees it that way. If he never wanted a relationship in the first place, he’ll never see you as a girlfriend. If he wants all the perks of having a girlfriend, he should have to make it official. It’s like going to work, clocking in, and doing all your responsibilities without getting paid for all your effort.
What happened? People used to yearn for each other: write letters expressing how much it hurts to live without them and make entire palaces to impress a girl. But today, the “good morning” text seems like a love letter. What happened to chivalry, to the gentlemen? We could blame dating apps, Instagram, and TikTok for hookup culture today, but I think it’s more about what’s convenient without getting hurt. We want to feel connected to someone, anyone, but at the same time we don’t want to get hurt. In order to survive the situationship apocalypse, it’s important to be honest with yourself and what you really want. Once you figure this out it’s important to be honest with everybody involved and not accept anything less. It’s also okay to walk away from people if they aren’t right for you. You’ll meet someone else that is. Red flags don’t disappear because you really like someone. You deserve someone that actually likes you back, that gives you stability, that doesn’t make you wonder what you are to them, and that actually wants to see you when the sun is out. The moment we all raise our standards is when we’ll finally get over this apocalypse.