When you are going through a breakup with someone you were in a romantic relationship with, everyone knows the script: you cry to a sad playlist, eat way too many snacks and your friends show up with chocolate and opinions. So what happens when it is a friendship that ends? Nothing. No playlist, no candy and no one asking if you are okay. Just you, refreshing a text message chain gone silent. If you’re grieving someone who is still alive, still posting on all of their socials, or still somewhere on campus, you are not being dramatic. Here is why this kind of loss feels so weird, and what actually helps.
The aftermath of the fallout
There are times when a friendship ends with a conversation, a fight or a message that makes things official. Other times, the friendship can just fade out. Texts take longer to respond to, plans keep getting “rescheduled”, and one day you come to the realization that the last message sent in the text thread was yours. If someone did say the words, you are still stuck with your feelings having no clue how to handle them. If no one did, you are stuck in a standstill of wondering what happened. Meanwhile, your brain replays conversations from the past, searching to find the exact moment the friendship became nonexistent. You see something funny and your first instinct is still to send it to them. Either way, there is no guidebook for what comes next.
There is actually a name for this feeling: disenfranchised grief, a type of grief that is not openly recognized or validated by social norms. Nobody sends you a card or gives you a heartfelt apology when a friendship ends. Your professor is not going to grant you an extension and barely anyone asks how it’s affecting you. College can make it even more difficult. There is a chance you share classes, dining halls, or even an entire friend group, giving you no clean break. One TikTok, one Instagram story, or even a song that used to be “your song,” and all of the sudden you are right back in it. Then comes the guilt. It was “just” a friendship, so why is it affecting you so heavily? Honestly, it’s because our friends know our inside jokes, are there for us on our worst days, and are aware or have been a part of our whole history. Losing that is a real loss, and you are completely valid to treat it as such.
understanding your feelings
Start by calling it what it is: grief. Not you being overly sensitive or dramatic. Grief. From there, treat yourself the way you would treat a friend going through a breakup. Make a sad playlist, get a sweet treat, let yourself cry it out when and wherever you need to (you have earned it). Open up your Notes app and draft the message you know you will never end up sending, but desperately need to get off your chest. If their posts on social media are pulling you back in, you are allowed to mute them or archive the chat. Do what serves you and prioritizes your mental health. Then let other people in. Say yes to the dinner, the coffee run, the walks, even when being alone seems easier. Finally, let yourself remember the good times without needing a final moment. Sometimes closure can come slowly, and if you allow it, it can be on your own terms. Â
Losing a friend is practically a breakup, just without the group chat full of people telling you they were not good enough for you anyway. So here’s your permission slip: you can miss them, you can be upset with them and you can still be okay, all at the same time. Healing is not linear. And if you have a friend who has been quiet lately, send them a quick text. It can be very low effort, but very high reward.
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