*Trigger Warning: Some of the information in this article may be triggering to those with current or previous struggles with body image and/or food.*
Growing up, I always had a very negative view of my body and how I look. I spent long hours in front of the mirror where I would ponder all the ways I could “become better” through the way that I looked. Before big drama auditions and performances, I would suck in my tummy and try to hold my breath for as long as possible. There were times when I would skip meals and at other times, I would binge eat right before a social event. Going to social events triggered many anxiety-inducing thoughts and I would just end up declining all invites. After hearing how a classmate talked about my eyebrows behind my back, I grew so sad that I tried to shape them myself with a pair of scissors. I was 12.
My skin is really sensitive and is prone to acne. Anything from travel, diet, stress, menstrual cycles, masks, or pollution can affect my acne to the point of being extremely painful. When I was younger, I would pick at my skin. In an effort to bring me some relief, my parents tried to get in touch with doctors and put me on natural treatments. Every new pimple would bring me to tears and my hands couldn’t stop twitching from wanting to scratch it. Add to that, the introduction of social media in my life. Endless scrolling through filtered image after filtered image, these unrealistic images on social media blurred into my reality. It’s not an uncommon fact that you start to compare yourself with those very images, wanting to be them and hating you for who you are.
Quarantine changed a lot for me in this regard. I had no pressure to go to social events, obviously. But more than that, I started to spend more time with my body and consciously pointed out things that I appreciated about myself. It all started with one selfie a day. I tried to not make it a task or push myself too hard. I threw in a filter sometimes or hid the other half of my face from the frame, but I was slowly making progress. I started to become more comfortable with my skin, so much so that filters weren’t needed for most days! I affirmed myself, letting myself understand that I am more than a few negative thoughts in my head. I became kinder to my skin and more receptive to a healthier diet, meditation, and trying out medication that could help the sensitivity.
Looking back, music helped so much of my journey with body positivity. Lizzo, Hailee Steinfeld, Doja Cat, Beyoncé, Alessia Cara, and many more artists helped me modify what beautiful meant to me; my Audio Aura for Spotify Wrapped 2021 says my music moods were bold and confident. I’ve also become more compassionate with myself regarding what I wear, discarding anything that feels uncomfortable on my skin — irrespective of how trendy it might be. I strengthen myself with information that will help me grow and invest in more mindful scrolling. I think the most important part of what I’ve learned is that I hold the key to my self-worth. Every time I smile at myself in the camera, I make sure to tune my beliefs and aims according to my intuitions.
My journey of self-love continues and there’s still a long way to go. As I continue to pick up my phone and believe in my body, I shift from the person who found it easier to reject, to someone who is moving to a place where she can wholeheartedly accept herself.
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