This semester has definitely been a tough one. All of the negative events that led me to where I am now seemed to follow each other one after another until I had this pile and no time to deal with any of it. I found out my grandmother was in the hospital and in a different country where none of my family could go be with her. The following week, I was in a car accident. My dating life just crashed and burned on top of it all. And then I took a look at my exam grades and spiraled even more. My thesis had me struggling under the lack of support I’d been given. And I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about any of this because every time I did, they either didn’t understand, pitied me, or offered advice which I didn’t want. All I really wanted was for someone to say, “It’s going to be okay. We will get through this rough patch together.”
All my life I’ve never felt like I was number one. Since elementary school, I was always the one who had to walk on the grass that was next to the sidewalk, who sat alone in the backseat of the car, who struggled to say a word in conversation because who wanted to listen to me?
I always found myself envying friendships in books and TV shows because I couldn’t imagine what it would be like for someone to choose me first. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to feel seen. Who didn’t?
But this feeling worsened at every new negative event that brought me down, and it eventually swallowed me whole.
However, I would tell myself I didn’t want to be this person. I didn’t want to be someone who dwelled in negativity to the point that it bought everyone else down with me. I wanted to be light and happy and free. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me, too. Sometimes, these negative emotions clouded my outlook on life until all I could see was the black. But, I now know in my heart that positivity goes a long way even if it has to be somewhat faked.
I tell myself to keep moving. That life can feel overwhelming, and it’s hard sometimes, but if I’m not taking care of myself, it makes it that much worse.
I tell myself to just stop. Stop sleeping late, stop skipping workouts. Stop overthinking all the time because it’ll really hurt me in the long run. Stop filling my thoughts with negativity and stop trying to please everyone with literally everything I do. Stop being someone else, because how am I supposed to love myself if I don’t even know myself?
I remind myself that I am happy. Just not in the way I thought I’d be in my twenties. I do not go for long runs and drink matcha in matching Lululemon sets. Some days, I only have the motivation to drag myself on a walk and watch the sunset behind the trees. And some days I sleep in and wake up feeling groggy and lost. I am let down by a lot of people in my life, but I lose sight of the times that those same people helped me feel alive.
I know that it’s okay to not know what the heck you are doing. There is still so much time.
I am reminded of what my dad would tell me when I felt like life was catching up to me faster than I could keep up: “Life is as long as it is short.”
On any given day there are a million little chances to choose self-compassion.
I wake up and try to remind myself that peace is the result of retraining my mind to process life as it is, rather than what I think it should be.
I’ve come to realize that happiness is about letting go of what you thought your life was supposed to be and just embracing where you are now and how special it is.
I have spent 21 years being unkind to myself, and this is the first time I am choosing softness.
It is okay that it has taken me 21 years to get here. I forgive myself for that too.
Life is not easy, but I know to not make it that way. Most things are more rewarding when you break a sweat to get them, anyway.
My daily affirmations:
I do not chase, I ATTRACT.
I am creating a life of love and abundance.
Everything I need is within me.
I will always be guided towards my purpose.
Great things never came from comfort zones.
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