Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows that it’s no piece of cake. A multitude of factors come into play where love is concerned: trust, respect, honesty, passion, etc. Setting these foundational basics aside, here are five things to remember while you attempt to navigate the crazy-confusing path to a happy, healthy relationship:
1. Possessiveness isn’t love.
It’s nice to feel wanted. As human beings, we are born with an innate desire to be desired. With that in mind, it can be very easy for possessiveness to work its way into the mix. There is a difference between your partner wanting to spend time with you and your partner not wanting you to spend time with anyone else. Being possessive can lead to emotional and physical abuse, and it also cages you in. Understand that a healthy relationship is not centered around captivity, but around freedom: freedom to openly voice opinions, freedom to express your emotions, and freedom to be yourself.
2. Don’t get lazy.
A primary reason why people enter relationships is because they represent stability. In comparison to the spontaneous passion of the random hook-up culture, a relationship provides reassurance and familiarity. However, be wary of falling into the same schedules, the same conversations, or the same intimacies. After the initial stages of a relationship, it’s easy to become complacent and inattentive. Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel has noted that maintaining a committed relationship is often challenging because it relies upon our ability to experience both surprise and security, two conflicting ideals. Therefore, try to be mindful of these routines and change them up a little when possible, because healthy relationships require time and effort.
3. Don’t ignore red flags.
Most of us have a vision of our ideal romantic partner, someone who meets our “dream” goals. When we find someone who appears to meet these standards right off the bat, we tend to brush their transgressions under the carpet. Do not ignore these behaviors if they bother you deep down, because overlooking them can be poisonous in the long run. When you see a warning sign, confront it right away- if your SO doesn’t change his or her behavior, make sure you can deal with it, or you’ll be in for a bumpy ride. Additionally, remember not to settle just because you don’t think anyone better will come along; that’s no way to live, and it’s a surefire way to guarantee unhappiness.
4. Expectations
Because social media sites, television, and smart phones have become such an integral part of our culture, it’s become almost second-nature to compare our relationships to those we observe in movies or on Instagram. In fact, a study conducted by doctoral student Russell Clayton found that those who frequent Facebook were more likely to experience FB-induced jealousy, misunderstanding, or other conflict with their significant other. First of all, realize that there will always be some type of filter separating these images from reality; what we perceive as genuine is rarely authentic. Secondly, no two relationships will ever be the same, because no two people are the same. It’s totally acceptable to have expectations about basic foundational principles, like mutual respect or trust. However, holding a grudge against your SO for not doing something as well as your ex did is unrealistic and toxic to your relationship. Try your best to accept your significant other for who they are, not for who they could be.
5. Communication is key.
Talk, talk, talk. The importance of vocalization can’t be emphasized enough. Voicing your fears, concerns, and pet peeves to your significant other can be extremely cathartic, and it can also make them more mindful of those things in the future. Realize that freaking out at your partner for something they did is generally unjustified if you’ve never brought it up before. Stay cool, calm, and collected, and remember that letting your emotions fester can be incredibly toxic: communication promotes trust and honesty, and creates a bond which strengthens any love-life.
Best of luck, Collegiettes- may all of your relationships flourish!
Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8