As a girl, it is no secret that you grow up surrounded by constant expectations. Whether it is how skinny you are, how pretty you are, or how well-mannered you are, as you get older, you begin to recognize the constant pressure you face to be perfect. Honestly, though, what even is perfect? As someone who moved across three different continents throughout my childhood, this was a question I battled every day. When you grow up in different cultures, you notice the contradictions of what is considered “beautiful.”
By the time I was about 4 or 5 years old, I already felt different compared to my peers. It feels insane to think about now, but in kindergarten and first grade I was already concerned about my weight. I am not sure where I gained such a distressing insecurity at such a young age, but it became an insecurity that would follow me throughout my life. I lived in Rome, Italy at the time, enjoying Italian history, art and food as much as a child could. When it comes to Italian beauty standards, what jumps out in my memory the most is the obsession with tanning. I say this with no exaggeration: a woman that lived in my apartment complex died while tanning at our local pool. This memory jumped out to me because the constant debate over pale skin versus tan skin had differed significantly in each country I lived in.
I moved to Taiwan at 8 years old and would stay in Asia until I was 13, also living in China and Indonesia. To say the least, Asian beauty standards were a stark contrast to the European and American standards I had grown up with previously. I encountered these standards at the most pivotal point in my life development wise. My insecurity about my weight would only get worse, and the women I was surrounded by were obsessed with staying stick-thin. I would walk into any convenience store and immediately encounter hundreds of skin whitening and brightening products.
This is where things grew confusing for me. Half of my life was spent with the idea that tan was better and pale was gross and sickly, now I was encompassed by this idea that pale was beautiful and elegant. At this point, I started pulling myself away from anything related to my looks. I was too embarrassed to even put in effort into my appearance because I did not know what was right anymore. Unfortunately, this only allowed my insecurities to fester.
I started high school by moving back to the United States for the first time since I was 7 years old. My freshman year was spent figuring out makeup and trying my best to fit in. When you force yourself into a mold that you do not fit into, things tend to blow up in your face. I did not know what I was supposed to look like, so I found myself trying to blend in with what I thought was “normal.” This ended up with me falling in with a crowd that I felt completely out of place in.
I am not sure when it happened, but one day I decided I was done with all of it. I decided to do the makeup I thought was pretty, dye my hair colors I thought were cool, and I started wearing clothes that made me feel good. Do I look at old pictures of myself and completely cringe? Yes. But what keeps me sane is knowing I was happy in those pictures and surrounded by people who loved me for who I was.
I’m not going to lie and say I have figured out everything when it comes to beauty standards. I also would like to say that “being yourself” is unfortunately not the fix-all for all your problems. This is just a quick synopsis of how I discovered that beauty standards were simply contradictory beliefs that hold women back from happiness. I recognize that all women have had different stories discovering who they were and different experiences battling the pressure they felt growing up. This is just my story.
Can’t get enough of HC UMass Amherst? Be sure to follow us on Instagram, listen to us on Spotify, like us on Facebook, and read our latest Tweets!