My first relationship ended suddenly on bad terms in early November of my sophomore year of college. By that December, I had already started seeing someone new, by Valentine’s Day, we were official, by July, she had ended things with me, and I discovered shortly after that she had been cheating on me. Needless to say, I learned a few things from that experience.
Giving yourself time between relationships is a NECESSITY
I barely gave myself any time to heal from my first relationship before jumping into my next, so in the aftermath of my last breakup, I was left with processing both failed relationships. Not only that, but because I was so adamant on finding a new romantic partner, my standards were significantly lower than they typically are. On top of all this, I needed to learn how to be okay with being by myself and find fulfillment in my life and non romantic relationships. It is important to develop your own identity as an individual and not just as a partner. Singleness is something that should be seen as an opportunity for growth, rather than something that needs to be cured or remedied. Being single gives you an independence that can’t be as easily accessed when in a relationship — and that’s not even in terms of sexuality. Neither of my romantic relationships were controlling or limited me socially, but I was still making decisions for two as someone in a relationship. Since I’ve been single, I have been able to get more involved in campus life, as a lot of my time was freed up. My life is rich and full of love, and I don’t need a relationship to feel that way.
Different Isn’t Always Better
My second girlfriend seemed like the antithesis of my first, which, at the time, I thought was a good thing. My first girlfriend was insecure, had different political views from me, and was quite socially inept. She had put me on a pedestal in her head and would let me know when I fell from it. Frankly, she was unstable. So the fact that my second girlfriend was nonchalant, cocky, and overly carefree was appealing to me at first. But these traits that initially attracted me later proved to be exactly what I disliked about her most. Girlfriend #2 ended up being too different from me to be satisfied with our relationship. I need someone with spunk and emotional intelligence, as well as stability and confidence.
potential red flags
I was broken up with seemingly out of nowhere, and while I was initially blindsided, I quickly realised there were clues from early on that this relationship wasn’t going to last, and more so that she was being unfaithful. I didn’t have trust issues prior to dating her, and I am not a jealous person, so I wasn’t on the lookout for red flags, but there were some alarms going off that were begging me to listen. The most blatant example is when she told me after she had visited an old friend from high school that she used to have feelings for this woman up until this year. She said this without being prompted at least twice. Another red flag I am embarrassed to admit I did not pay attention to was the fact that she still had pictures of her former partners on her social media and still followed them. I was honestly not very surprised when I found out that she had been unfaithful because of how little thought or effort she put into our relationship. She rarely offered to pay for things, and I often felt like I was being treated more as a friend with benefits.Â
Have Compassion for Yourself
Long story short, the most important thing I learned from this experience was the importance of having compassion for myself. I still feel stupid sometimes for immediately getting into another relationship with an unsatisfactory partner, which ended up feeling like a waste of time. In the aftermath of my first breakup, I was feeling extremely vulnerable and lonely, and I didn’t know how else to make myself feel better. I had to relearn how to be by myself. Having compassion and patience for yourself is the key to self-respect, and having self-respect allows me to learn from my mistakes instead of repeating them.Â
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