How to Grow with Grief

The best way I can describe grief is as an all-consuming, meaningless blob. It’s an out-of-body experience that resembles a fever dream — one you can never wake up from. It’s something you never anticipate and an experience you can’t necessarily prepare for. It just hits you suddenly. 

As a young adult, especially one in college, you’re already balancing so much. This extra weight isn’t something easy to carry. Walking to class, grappling school, sometimes life felt like a never-ending loop. Every day felt the same. My routine felt too monotonous. Interactions were robotic. There were days when I wanted to just lie in bed but couldn’t, and there were days where I had to take a walk. It was messy and overwhelming and intruding. 

Grief wasn’t just something I could “get over” with the wave of my hand; it was something I had to learn to live with. I’ve found that sadness in strength, though solemn, is necessary to finding who you are. It just took me these few steps to get there.

Let yourself feeL

If you keep it all in, you’ll find grief will catch up to you randomly. It’s always just around the corner, waiting. Allowing yourself to feel its tangible presence is a validating experience. Cry whenever you need to. Let the anger out. Walk around confused. Be numb when you need. You’re an emotional mess, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Maintain a healthy balance

Learn to walk the tightrope of alone time and surrounding yourself with the people around you. The scary thing about grief is that it envelops your daily life. The good thing about college is that you always have shoulders to lean on. You’ll find that this “burden” you feel can be so much lighter to shoulder when you just let people in. Spend time with those who care for and about you, and remember to show up for yourself.

Don’t let it shrink your world

Often, it feels like an experience singular to you. That no one else but you understands. But it’s important to know that everyone carries grief, and they can help you carry yours. You’re not as alone as you think. Let this turn into a lesson of opening yourself up to connection and joy. Just because it feels like the world stopped spinning doesn’t mean it isn’t still waiting for you to live in it.

Create memorable rituals 

I have things all around my room. Little trinkets, emotional support shirts, playlists, anything and everything that helps me remember. Though you could shrug them off as tiny things, they hold a heavy amount of weight. In a way, having things to hold on to can help you stay without being rooted in the same, dead-end spot.

Find outlets

The easiest way to put it is this: you need to let it all out. Go on drives where you scream-sing, write down the heavy emotions, go to the gym and do cardio, write letters you’ll never send. Just remember you can’t let it all fester inside you; it needs to be embraced.

It’s the lead-up

It’s weird to live a life without someone you’re used to. Those first times you do something without them, I’ve found the lead-up can be harder than the actual days. I think by allowing yourself to dread it and cry early, you’ll find the day passes and you can breathe once again.

Keep trying

Grief comes and goes like a wave. Some days you’re on top of the world, other days even just getting out of bed feels like a win. As long as you keep showing up, you’re doing good. By choosing to keep trying, even when it all feels like it’s coming down, there’s still progress in that. Make it all count. 

Moving on doesn’t mean letting go

You don’t ever have to let go. Just because they’re gone doesn’t mean you leave them behind. Instead, carry them with you in everything you do, wherever you go. You may be becoming someone new, but that shouldn’t feel wrong. That should comfort you. Even though they’re far out of your life, knowing them was one of the best things to happen to you.

You’ll always wish you had more time. You’ll always be replaying the last few moments. But remember, everything happens the way it’s meant to. All that pain, fear, and anger will eventually bloom into something beautiful. Knowing where to place its weight without being heavy will allow it all to happen easily. 

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• college
• experience
• grief
• life
• loss
• mental health