I remember the first time I was allowed to pick out my outfit for school without my mom’s help. I had never felt happier. I destroyed my room, throwing different shirts and pants around till I found what I thought was red carpet ready. I ran downstairs to show my mom my exquisite masterpiece, and my joy soon turned to despair as my mom said I couldn’t wear the reality of a disaster I was wearing.
While I am thankful my mom wouldn’t let me leave the house like that, I will never forget how exciting it felt to wear an outfit I picked. I felt highly apt to fit in with my peers throughout middle and early high school. I felt as if I wore black leggings and a tube top that maybe the other girls wearing the same thing would see me as one of their own and want to be my friend.
I struggled with my identity for a while, not knowing who I wanted to be or how to present myself to the world. After Covid-19 hit my sophomore year, I was left with hours of boredom until, one day, I decided to deep clean my room. As I looked through my old untouched eyeshadow palettes and pairs of jeans that hadn’t been worn since trying them on in the fitting room, I couldn’t help but wonder why I have been holding back for so long.
After that, I showed up every day to school wearing the craziest outfits I could put together. Fishnets, belts, bandanas, jewelry, and even my socks matched the outfit I decided to wear that day. I began to experiment with eyeshadow, trying new colorful makeup looks. My confidence flourished as I realized how powerful not caring what other people thought of me felt. I would have random people at school coming up to me, complimenting my outfits and makeup. I had felt the most myself I had in years.
After high school ended, I was left with the daunting task of reinventing myself for college. I crawled back into my middle school shell of self-consciousness, packing all my basic black tops and blue jeans. I got to college and felt that people would only want to approach me if I looked like everyone else. But yet, once again, that was disproved. I met a fantastic group of friends who only supported me in dressing how I wanted. I began practicing new makeup techniques on myself and, for the first time, on other people. Soon enough, my roommate began blending purple and pink on her eyelid, and I asked myself why I had ever resorted to hiding away again.
While fitting in seems more comfortable, standing out is worth the risk of looking dumb. The only person stopping you from truly becoming you is yourself. The mental block of self-consciousness had me in its grasp for a while, and some days, it still tries to choke me. But, realizing how powerful the feeling of wearing that dress or putting on blue eyeshadow is more significant than that mental block. Feeling confident in what I’m wearing is one of the most incredible feats I’ve accomplished mentally. So, I will tell you to wear that outfit, do that crazy eyeliner, and just be your true self; it’s the version of you people are going to love the most.
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