I would like to preface this article by saying I love my mother — I always have and I always will. Unfortunately, we weren’t always so close growing up and I believe a big part of this was her struggle with being a single mother. Since she was the only provider, she had to work her full-time day job. This is not to say she wasn’t present, because she was when she could be, but a majority of my memories are with my grandparents. In fact, when my brother and I were off school for summer break, our mother would fly us to Puerto Rico to spend the three months with our grandparents for the reason that she had to work during the week and couldn’t afford childcare. Although I was grateful for the experience, I missed my mom a lot during this time and not seeing her for months was difficult.
As I got older and reached the age of adolescence, I became very emotional and isolated. I really started to struggle with depression once I reached middle school and I had an extremely difficult time expressing myself. I felt very alienated from my mom and I found that there was an emotional barrier between the two of us. A common thought I had growing up was “Yeah she loves me, but does she like me?” I didn’t think my mother knew me personally as an individual, and to her I was just a child she was responsible for physically caring for.
The weight of her responsibilities started to create unnecessary stress that I felt was taken out on us, her children. It seemed like she was always in a bad mood and I never wanted to be home. I began to feel like I was just a burden on my family and my mom would’ve been happier if she had never had children in the first place.
As I reached high school, I started to face problems I thought she just wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want to share what people were saying about me. I didn’t want to share that I was failing my classes. I didn’t want to share that I was just too drained to get out of bed. I was too afraid and ashamed to show that I was struggling because a good daughter wouldn’t give her mother another thing to worry about. Understandably, she started lecturing me about doing my work and going to school. I thought, “She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand how hard it is to be me and to be in high school,” which I see now is a very dramatic take.
My mental health got worse and worse and eventually reached the point where I had to be hospitalized. I felt horrible. I had caused my family to worry and just created even more financial stress. I hated (and still do hate) having to live with mental illness because I just felt like the “problem child.” Thankfully, my mom had a very different view. She was understanding and loving, and although she seemed a little lost on how to help at times, she did all she could to make it easier for me.
Although I was in therapy, I still struggled to express my feelings. I remember my mom had bought a mother-daughter journal where you answer prompts and write down whatever you are thinking or feeling, and she would leave it in my room for me to find and write in on my own. We would trade it back and forth and communicate mainly that way because speaking face-to-face was still too much for me. On other days, when I was just too tired to go to school, she would bring me to work with her with no questions asked. I started to spend a lot of time with my mom and started to learn that we were a lot alike and I didn’t need to do everything on my own.
Now that I’m in college (and after years of therapy), I can confidently say that my mother is my best friend and my biggest role model. At the time, I was too young to understand the sacrifices she had made and the silent battles she fought to support my brother and me. She worked hard to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. All the while, making sure we had fun and succeeded in life. What I appreciate the most, is through all this, she still managed to finish college as a first-generation Latina and her children were lucky enough to see her do it. My mom has always fought for a better life for her family and for herself. I will always admire her strength and resilience and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. I attribute all my success to her.
MENTAL HEALTH: If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.