This Thanksgiving, our family dinner tables may be surrounded by conversations from the momentous election to coronavirus safety, and there may be a few family members at the table that seem to be fueling a fight. Although we may feel the urge to get frustrated or turn away from these conversations altogether, it can be freeing to prepare yourself for these difficult and divisive conversations instead.
This holiday will open the door for many conversations that are significant to have with family members that may not view things the same way we do. However, just because these discussions may be uncomfortable doesn’t mean that we should avoid them altogether. Although the Thanksgiving dinner table may not seem like the most ideal place to start the conversation around why Black Lives Matter, what gender equity really means, or how we must recognize our impact on the state of our planet, it does present the opportunity to help educate and advocate for these causes. It might seem daunting to take on an intense familial opposition, but the time to have these conversations and welcome a difference of opinion is now. We must start these conversations at our family dinner tables in order to make a real impact on a much larger scale.
So now that we decided to take on this battle and approach these controversial conversations, how do we actually do it? We should start from the beginning, with active listening. Active listening is a state of mind that involves really connecting with the speaker. We must truly listen to the arguments others make, instead of already thinking about what we’re going to say next while they’re still talking. Practicing this shows off your respect for other people’s opinions and thoughts, which is more likely to be reciprocated and can hopefully de-escalate passionate discussions.
A key expectation to set right away is to welcome and ask questions – make it feel comfortable for anyone at the table to ask any kind of question. This goes back to active listening – in order to respond to each other with care, we must fully understand why and how we feel the way that we do. Asking questions shows the speaker that you are interested in their beliefs and care enough about them to ask for clarifications. Through asking questions we create space to greater understand and inform one another.
Implementing the skills mentioned above can change the vibe of tough conversations, but the most important tactic to deal with divisive issues is to be kind and empathetic. A useful tool when you disagree with someone is to call them in versus call them out. Calling someone out can result in them becoming defensive and embarrassed, which actually denotes the whole purpose of your point. Instead, call them in, practice kindness, and reeducate them with your resources. This practice allows others to feel comfortable making mistakes and relearning topics more openly. Taking this step towards kindness will generate a receptive conversation that is more conducive to a positive experience for everyone.
Even when we are trying to generate thoughtful and meaningful conversations, it can become too much or triggering at times. This is where we must practice self-care. Don’t be afraid to walk away if you feel overwhelmed or just need some time to yourself. Practicing self-care allows you to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself, which leads to better conversations with others overall.
At the end of the holiday, we are left with the opportunity to be proud of ourselves for taking on divisive and controversial conversations for the purpose of educating our families, and ultimately, advocating for those not at our dinner tables.