My mother is from Beijing, China, and came to America at a young age by herself seeking opportunity and growth. My dad is German and Polish and grew up in America his entire life. They met at a party in Manhattan, N.Y. and fell in love. Then came me! Growing up biracial has always been confusing for me, but as I entered my college years, I learned to appreciate it. I learned that you can’t change who you are, and you might as well embrace who you are rather than be in constant conflict with yourself. Learning to love yourself for who you are is a part of life.
The Concept of Being Insecure
There are several instances that shaped the insecurities I felt heavily during my middle school and high school years. The feeling of insecurity crept up on me and lingered in my head. My mom would pack me traditional Chinese food for lunch. I ate this food often at home and thought it was the “norm.” I felt out of place when I would get questions like, “What even is that?” or “What’s that smell?” Or when middle school started, and I realized I looked a little different than everyone else. I always felt different.
This feeling of being “out of place” only grew stronger during my adolescent years. Safe to say, insecurity haunted me. I longed to look like my peers and resented half of who I was. I lived like this for so many years, trying to hide pieces of me. It wasn’t until I started college that I learned to appreciate my ethnicity. I am so thankful for college. I started to make friends who looked similar to me, and that was something I never had growing up. Being insecure is a concept. Why would I continue to waste years of my life not liking a part of who I was when I could learn to love myself? I am in control of my life, not the other way around. This is where the real work started, unlearning all of these negative thoughts about myself. I started to read books about self-worth, developed new hobbies, made new friends, and grew into myself. I can now say that I am proud to be biracial. It’s what makes me, me!
Food
A big part of growing up for me was food. Yes, food. At Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any large family gathering, there was always a mix of foods from the backgrounds of my family members. I always helped my mom make dumplings from scratch. It was a big tradition in my family. We would make the filling for the dumplings out of meat, place the filling inside the dumpling, use various methods to fold the dumplings into pretty shapes, and then cook them.
My mom taught me how to cook a lot of Chinese dishes such as lo mein, fried rice, beef and broccoli, etc. I also love going out to eat. My favorite genres of food are Korean BBQ, sushi, and hot pot. Safe to say, food has had a huge impact on my development.
Language
When I was a baby, I was fully fluent in both Chinese and English. My mom spoke to me in Chinese, while my dad spoke to me in English. But when I started elementary school, I lost the ability to speak Chinese because, in my day-to-day life, I didn’t have to speak Chinese while I was at school. My parents soon enrolled me in a Chinese school that met on Sundays. I hated it because it felt like extra work on top of my schoolwork. But looking back, I’m happy they put an emphasis on learning both languages. In middle school and high school, I started to take Chinese classes in school. As I entered college, I realized I really enjoyed learning the language and the history, so I decided to minor in Chinese. I feel that learning to speak your mother tongue is really important, even career-wise, it’s great to be able to connect to more people.
Growing Into Myself
It took a lot of time for me to accept myself. When I was around 16 years old, I started to follow a lot of celebrities who had similar features to me. I remember a big one for me was Lily Chee. Seeing that there were other “famous” women out there who looked similar to me gave me great comfort. I would also try to learn makeup tutorials that were catered to my specific features in order to enhance them. I also read a lot of self-help books during my leisure time. In college, I also started to hang out with people of a similar ethnicity to me. When you’ve been insecure for most of your childhood, learning to grow into yourself and learn the concept of self-love is huge. It is definitely not an overnight task, but learning to love yourself is key. How can you love anyone else if you don’t love yourself?
Looking back, my family, my culture, the food I grew up with, the languages I learned, and my insecurities shaped the person I am today. Being biracial is no longer something I question or try to hide. It is something I carry with pride. What once made me feel different now makes me feel grounded and unique. I’ve learned that self-acceptance is not about changing who you are, but about finally allowing yourself to take up space as you are. My story is still being written, but now I’m writing it with confidence, gratitude, and a deeper love for every part of myself.