“Sorry, I won’t be able to make it.” “Do you think we could reschedule?” “I won’t have time,” I bet you’ve heard all these before-or maybe you’ve even said them. The truth is, the striving for convenience is weakening our friendships, communities and identities. And we don’t even realize.
Sometimes I catch myself forgetting how precious simple days are. I’m always leaving early, speedwalking, taking the shortcuts, anything to race to the end of the day. But in reality, it’s almost never the destination we remember but the path we took to get there.
What am I rushing to, or even better yet, away from?
This thought came to my mind while sitting with my friend Molly at work. We were talking about pistachios (LOL). I told her how I didn’t like the shelled ones since they took so long to take apart. She then told me how she loved them shelled. She liked the action of peeling off the outside, acknowledging the ritual of preparing her snack and taking the time to eat them because she enjoyed them so much. She told me that she wouldn’t want to eat them any other way.
And something about this I couldn’t get out of my mind.
What other representations of time and blessings am I taking advantage of? From then on, I slowly started thinking about how special I could make my days. I bought pistachios (shelled), pomegranates and walnuts. A simple reminder that long tasks are fulfilling (and delicious), I started taking moments to realize what I was doing vs. what I wanted to be doing.
For example, today I wanted tea and remembered I had some tea cups under my bed. I first thought “no, I’ll just use a mug, what if I break the china?” but then I remembered that I had never used them for that exact reason, and something about that scared me. So I pulled out a cup and saucer and made tea- even served myself a couple of dates topped with peanut butter to finish it off.
How much more could I enjoy my life if I took an extra step every now and then?
After slowly incorporating this practice into my life, I realized I became less stressed. I used to feel like everything was a chore or an inconvenience, but now I almost look for opportunities for change. Because in my head, the only cost of love is inconvenience. For instance, I like taking the longest way home at night because I love driving with the windows down and my CD turned all the way up. Or when I’m making a to-do list and put a sticker in the top right corner just because I love them. Offering to drive more often, even though I hate it (because nine times out of ten, so does the other person).
However, I can make a moment worthwhile-i’ll take it, because how do I know how many I have left?
I quickly realized that, like my past self, others were in this convenient mindset. I wanted to have this small get-together of friends for my birthday. I invited 12 close friends and was so excited. I went to Hobby Lobby and bought candles, streamers, plates, glitter and anything that caught my eye. I created invitations and, out of excitement, sent them out a month early. I was so surprised when I got all my responses back and realized only my two best friends from high school were coming. I was so hurt, mostly from shock. I invited people I was genuinely excited to see there, people I was very close with and who I thought would enjoy celebrating with me. The responses were along the lines of “I think I’ll be at the river that day” or “I’m working”. And I want to preface this by saying yes, everyone had a reason, but it did make me realize that maybe I was trying harder in this relationship than they were. Remembering all the times I texted first or asked to hang out. And if they didn’t care enough to try and show up on this special day or show signs of care, maybe I needed to rethink my inner circle.
I believe the whole reason I was stunned was my friendship with Stephanie. We’ve been friends for seven years, and our relationship is anything but convenient. We have a lot of last-minute calls and hangouts. Borrow each other’s clothes, schedule hangouts for every week, celebrate any special occasion and will always prioritize the other. Not to mention that, with completely different majors, we somehow end up taking classes together. I feel so loved and special when we hang out, and that is the kind of care I want to cultivate in all my friendships. One of the most recent memories I hold close to my heart is when Stephanie made me my favorite cake just to sing to me on my birthday, even though I had canceled. We had raspberry cake with white chocolate frosting. Apparently, it took her hours; that was the best gift I could’ve gotten. And at the end of the day, everyone needs a person who is willing to clear their schedule just to make you feel extra sweet on your special days.
Moreover, inconvenience not only allows friendships to thrive but also allows families to thrive. I realized I did more inconvenient things for my family than anyone else. From driving my siblings everywhere, packing my mom’s lunch for a night shift, playing endless Among Us games with my little brother, and going to the obnoxiously early football games, they all played an important role in our relationship.
These acts were the small ways I said, “I see you”, “I’m proud of you,” and “I care for you”. Sure, I could just say that, but actions speak 1000 times louder than words. If I did these acts for my family so often, why wasn’t I practicing them outside of my hometown? How much would my world change if I cracked the door open and let others in?
And let me tell you, opening that door shifts your whole identity. As I mentioned before, you enjoy small moments more, prioritize showing up, which strengthens connection, but you also create community. It’s kinda like the saying ‘it takes a village,’ but it actually does take a village to create a worthy and loving space. What would we do as a society without the quiet “bless you” after we sneeze? Or the community lost and found. What about the students who clean up our river every month? Or even the coworker who stops to buy snacks for the breakroom?
Once you make the shift from “I” to “us”, you become a part of something so much bigger than yourself. Be the person who’s carrying small snacks in their car for the homeless, volunteering at the library, raising your hand more in class, complimenting that cute outfit, eating lunch outside or inviting a friend to a club meeting.
At the end of today, inconvenience strengthens us in every area of our lives and is a shift worth striving for.