Intro:
Just like every person who is experiencing life on Earth, I, too, have been confined to the expectations of society based on different categories I fit into. It is my belief that we all can find ourselves living in our own prisons, to varying extents. Whether it is society trying to fit us into the box they see fit, or it’s us trying to fit ourselves in a box to reach our maximum success and acceptance, we all experience the heartbreaking act of distancing ourselves from our truest selves in pursuit of survival. On the flipside, we all have access to refinding our power, joy, and wholeness in coming home to ourselves.
The Background Info:
Growing up with many societal and structural influences, I was taught by authorities, systems I was in, and media that my body did not belong to me, and that I had much less control over myself and my life than I have found I do. From getting dress coded all throughout middle and highschool for showing my shoulders or legs, to the way different church groups and religious communities I was in were teaching me that I needed to follow the leadership of the men around me and live in a constant state of self-scrutinization and obedience, the messages I was receiving from various places reiterated the idea that I am not my own.
The Journey Begins:
In January of 2022 I decided to go on a journey of returning home to myself and finding wholeness in areas I was either compartmentalizing or wanting to heal. The best word I can use to describe this journey has been embodiment.
One core part of this journey was meeting with my embodiment coach, Tara Teng. Teng is a somatic practitioner and the author of the book Your Body Is A Revolution: Healing Our Relationships with Our Bodies, Each Other, and the Earth.
“I help people come back into relationship with their bodies,” Teng said. “People who feel disconnected from their bodies, who hold trauma in their body, who feel dysregulated in their nervous systems… I help people reconnect back to their bodies to take ownership of the full spectrum of who they are so that they can thrive in freedom and wholeness in every aspect of their lives.”
Teng joined me recently for a conversation, and I’ll be sharing what we talked about, intertwined with glimpses into my embodiment story.
The World is Traumatic:
For starters, I first had to realize that the world is quite traumatic. From singular traumatic events to ongoing factors that have caused me to adjust in order to survive or be accepted, everything that has happened in my life has contributed to teaching me how the world works. The big mural of joyful moments that are full of wonder and the frightful situations that have brought about fear responses have all taught me about what it is to be alive.
For a stark memory example: watching my grandmother get robbed in a parking lot from the backseat of her car at age 6 taught me that parking lots are risky places to be. Even at 21, sitting idle in most parking lots makes my heart rate increase a bit. While it is not a reliable truth that all parking lot visits are likely to result in robberies, what holds true is that the body remembers. That event affected me.
On a more broad level, looking back to the boxes we all are pressured to fit into, those societal forces can affect us. We are constantly learning what it is to be alive and how to survive within each structure we operate in as well as the individual situations we find ourselves in.
“Being a person in the world with the way that the world is currently structured is traumatic,” Teng said. “It’s not set up for human thriving. So we’ve shifted and changed in order to survive.”
Trauma Responses:
In her book, Teng talks about how trauma isn’t always a singular or recognizable event; it can be a “subtle erosion of safety overtime.” The four common trauma responses Teng covers are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
As I learned this, I began to identify parts of my life where my safety or the feeling of safety in feeling accepted had been eroded. I was able to reflect on parts of my upbringing where, being a woman, I had to compartmentalize myself to feel safe and accepted. From learning to cover myself up to not “distract boys in school” to learning to not react while different authorities verbally villainized my body at the pulpit, it created distance from my authentic expression. The PTSD I had from the robbery I was in at age 6 seemed to leave me susceptible to often jumping into a heightened state of panic and alertness in hopes of preventing bad things from happening by staying ready. Some ongoing health issues I have faced for years caused me to fear my own body and fear pain becoming overwhelming to a point where I’d have to go back to the ER. This fear already had a cozy space to fit into since my upbringing had moments that taught me my body could cause harm by simply existing.
Regulating The Nervous System:
Teng talks about how the four common trauma responses are very primal and instinctual aspects of who we are.
These responses serve an important purpose, and if an experience feels unsafe to someone, then the goal is not to avoid that response. This is because these responses help keep us safe. Where regulating the nervous system comes in is when there is no real threat of danger, but our body is still responding with one of these trauma responses.
“So this is where we now do somatic work to help break that response in our bodies,” Teng said.
For me, diaphragmatic breathing is the easiest way to get my nervous system out of that activated state when I feel a jolt of anxiety or if I’m experiencing a trauma response. Researching different ways to activate the vagus nerve, a cranial nerve in the body, has been so helpful in getting my body into a rest-and-digest state versus an alert and activated stress state. Humming is one way to activate the vagus nerve.
Embodied Questioning:
Often in my sessions with Teng, I have heard her ask me, “can you answer that from your body?”
Once we have calmed ourselves out of a heightened nervous system state, we can look at what is going on with curiosity. I have learned my body has so much to teach me!
Thinking back to how my body will associate parking lots with intense fear from the robbery, I can see that my body has memories and knowledge I can honor, feel, and analyze to address those responses.
I have found that often once I identify what is being triggered in my body, it is much easier to work towards releasing or processing it and finding freedom.
“Embodied questioning for truth really is just a beautiful skill that helps us know our inner world better, so that we can now know where are these wounded parts of ourselves that need healing or need to be welcomed back,” Teng said.
Collective Trauma:
There are certain places I’ll go where I can holistically feel myself being confined to a role someone else is wanting me to play.
Recently, I was doing a gig with a country band I was in. Out of all the musicians around me, I took the time to shake the hands of the men running the sound. I was professional and communicative and spoke to everyone around me as equals, but this was not reciprocated.
Both sound guys spoke to me very differently than they spoke to the other musicians around me. I was the only girl on stage at that moment. I got “darlin’d” and “sweetheart’d” as they talked down to me with implications that I was less familiar with my instrument, and still in my anger, I felt an overwhelming need to stay nice and cordial and not show how offended I was. Getting catcalled or aggressively hit on can be a similar experience for me; I’ll feel this need to not “overreact” or act in a way that could be read as being too emotional.
In her book, Teng talks about collective trauma. She explains how deep down, as humans, we are pack animals who, through history, have needed each other for survival. She says that keeping the peace and people pleasing can be a fawn trauma response. The overwhelming feeling to stay “polite” with the sexist sound guys was a primal survival response on a base level.
“This is something that has been socially conditioned and reinforced in us, but it’s deeply ingrained because it’s primal,” Teng said. “Because we’re meant to live in community, because we’re meant to be pack animals. Because in ancient times our ancestors would have survived as nomadic tribes, and they depended on one another for survival. If you didn’t have the survival of your support of your community, you were on your own.”
Reflecting on my whole life, it makes sense that feeling like I need to adjust or conform in order to keep the peace and find acceptance is a survival response.
“We learned to adapt because we need to survive,” Teng said. “There’s something within our bodies that is always fighting to keep us safe and would rather self abandon than be abandoned.”
A New Age:
I am flooded with a feeling of electric, vibrant, and potent freedom in realizing that I am living in a time and a space where I can explore my embodiment in a way people who came before me could not. I do not have to conform and adjust to whatever the social and societal pressures around me are wanting. I can welcome back all the parts of myself that I was compartmentalizing, and in doing so, I can live a life rooted in my true, colorful, sacred humanity. I can make decisions and set boundaries that honor my needs and desires. I can reach new heights and find genuine rest as I revel in the unity of my mind and my body. I also feel grateful I live in a time where I have information and resources available to explore trauma responses and to heal parts of myself that long to be seen. I am not only hopping out of the box I’ve been placed in, I am turning that box into a spaceship and then I’m gluing construction paper hearts all over it.
“We’re maybe one of the first generations ever that don’t have to [self abandon],” Teng said. “That have the freedom to express ourselves; that have the freedom to own the fullness of who we are.”
Note from AnaBelle: My story and the placement of Tara Teng’s words in my story are my own interpretation of my experience and what I’ve learned from her through my perspective. To understand Teng’s words for yourself, check out her book or find her on her website or Instagram.
You can check out Tara Teng on Instagram: @misstarateng
Check out her website: tarateng.com
Buy her book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Body-Revolution-Healing-Relationships/dp/150648378X