I consider myself a people-pleaser who tries to ensure that I am well-liked and that everyone needs to be my friend.
But from being in university and forming relationships with different people, I realize it’s okay not to appeal to everyone. That’s not to say I either like or dislike someone, but it’s okay to be indifferent and recognize that not everyone will be my cup of tea, just like how I’m not everyone else’s.
Building relationships can be complicated, especially in your 20s. We’re all going through the highs and lows of our personal journeys in formative places in our lives. That means our personalities and priorities are all different, which is beneficial for our individual growth but may create barriers when trying to find commonalities with others.
Through all of this, we navigate different relationships. We meet new people — friends, romances, colleagues — whatever the connection is. We also meet those we may feel obligated to form a relationship with.
The reality is that all relationships take work, which means they won’t all work out. The easiest way to relate this is by thinking about dating. You can meet someone and think it could work out and give it a chance, but it doesn’t. Or, you can know immediately that you don’t vibe with someone. That doesn’t make you or the other person bad; it just means things weren’t meant to be.
With friendships, I sometimes feel like I need to be someone’s friend just because they’re nice and we run in the same circles. I find myself forcing something that just doesn’t work out, which can get tiring. Things start feeling like an obligation, which leads to me making hollow promises.
Social media tells us to “protect your peace” and “keep your circle small,” which I agree with. However, this can sometimes be mistaken for closing yourself off from others. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having boundaries, but I also think that you can give people a chance.
In elementary school, it always felt easy to make friends because I was constantly in the same place as my classmates, going through pretty much the same experiences as one another.
At this point in my life, there’s so much going on at all times and increasingly more things to discover about myself, which means I tend to be more conscious about assessing who can add value to my life and who won’t. I’m in the last year of my undergraduate degree, working multiple jobs, and actively taking steps to advance my career. This leaves limited social and leisure time, and I am pretty particular about how and with whom I spend it.
Some may be on similar paths and have similar mindsets as me, and others won’t be. Defining my individuality is much different than others. This doesn’t mean that these contrasting values will necessarily stop me from wanting to be friends with other people, but it’s simply about finding someone who respects what’s important to me and vice versa.
At the end of the day, we have full control over our lives. Not being friends with every person we meet doesn’t make us bad people.
I’ve gotten to a place where I have a close circle of old and new that I’ve made from school and jobs that happened organically. There are people I’ve known who impacted me, but we never got to a point where we continued a relationship. Still, they added memories and value that I can cherish.
I remind myself that knowing myself means knowing who I want in my life. It’s okay to be selective and intentional about who I choose to have by my side.