My life has never followed a direct path, but my decisions have always been bold. I’ve always been one to lead and leave a mark. I’ve started to wonder if my decisions were the right ones, not only in the moment but if they’ve led me down the right path. I wonder who I could have been if the events of my life were altered.
I mourn the versions of me that never came to fruition, and I’m not sure why. I’m not disappointed in who I’ve become. I have few regrets and recognize room for improvement, but I don’t hold any issues with who I am. So why do I continue to mourn the loss of what could’ve been?
It’s hard to say I’m completely happy with who I am, but I’m happy with where I’m at. The circumstances I currently live in are ones I could’ve only dreamed of years ago. I recognize the hard work it’s taken to be where I am today, but I wonder where else I could be, who else I could be.
I know the idea of “better” is subjective, but I always wonder if I could’ve been better. Everyone has room for growth, of course, but I ponder if my decisions were the right ones. If the choices that created the person I am were the right choices and if I’m the best person I can currently be.
I believe in the butterfly effect, or at least I think that every event in someone’s life impacts who they become, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Who would I be if I chose not to go on certain dates or stay with certain people? Who else could I have been with, and how would they have changed me? If I’d attended certain events and skipped out on others, would my interests be the same? Would my social circle have an entirely different roster? Would I be living in Toronto or pursuing journalism?
So many small elements of my personality could be different, from my favourite band, regular coffee order or sense of style. Each factor that makes me who I am, which seems minimal, changes the bigger picture, and I’m curious about what created these elements in the first place.
In the words of Leith Ross, “I miss everyone I’ve never met,” which makes me wonder who could’ve been a part of my life. What decisions have I made that have caused me to miss out on greatness? Are there people I could know or places I could be that could improve my life, but I’ve missed out on?
This is why I mourn the versions of me that could have been because I feel there are things I’ve overlooked. I’ve always had the bigger picture in mind and strived to achieve it, but I’ve often overlooked the little things in life during this process. I want to make the most out of life and fear that my decisions have been safe enough to keep me happy and get ahead but not allow me to be as happy as possible in the moment.
If the choices I’d made throughout my life were different, if I harboured different motivations and goals, would I be happier now?