Why do we lie? (Even when we don’t have to)
Deception, manipulation, and self-preservation: all the reasons we’ve decided it’s okay to lie. We justify our dishonesty when there’s something to lose—when the truth could cause conflict or embarrassment. But what about the lies that serve no apparent purpose? The thoughtless altercations of reality we have learned to spin like gold. Why do we feel a need to lie, even when there is no consequence to telling the truth?
We lie more than we realize
Maybe it’s the instinctive, “I’m on my way!,” when we haven’t even left the house, or an offhanded, “Oh, I’ve heard of that,” when we actually have no clue what that is. Sometimes we lie about how we feel—telling someone, “I’m fine,” when we’re anything but. These aren’t meant to be carefully constructed deceptions; they’re small, seemingly meaningless rewrites of reality.Â
The psychology of pointless lies
1. Social Desirability
Most people want to fit in. It’s normal to want to be accepted for who you are, but if who you are isn’t the “same as everyone else,” how do you fit in? At the mention of a book we’ve never read or a movie we’ve never watched, admitting ignorance can feel like accepting defeat. How can you be included in something for which you are incapable of participation?
A small lie keeps things going, prevents awkwardness, and makes us feel more connected, even if that connection is built on falsity. Fearing our truths, we opt to shine under a more desirable light, making us seem more interesting or knowledgeable than we actually are.
2. Habit and Impulse
Lying isn’t always a conscious choice; it’s a reflex. If you grew up in a setting where honesty led to punishment, belittlement, or rejection, lying may have become a second nature. A nature that can often persist even into adulthood.
3. Avoiding Explanations
Sometimes, the truth can feel like too much work. Saying, “I didn’t see your text,” is just easier than admitting, “I saw it but didn’t feel like responding right then.” A lie spares us from follow-up questions or strained conversations, and the expectation to justify decisions that don’t need justification.
4. Rewriting the Story
Even with low stakes, lying grants us control. If the truth invokes vulnerability we aren’t ready to show, why not make it so that there is nothing to be shown? Our story shapes how others perceive us, and with every spoken word, we strengthen the grip on our curated illusion.
The ProblemÂ
Stories teach morals that we come to believe in, but if the story is not our own, then the morals become untrue, and the beliefs are no longer authentic. If we lie so often about things that don’t matter, what expectation can we hold to gain trust on things that do?Â
Breaking the Cycle
1. Think First
Before speaking, take a second to consider whether the truth is just as easy to say as the lie you’ve already formulated. If there’s no real reason to lie, why do it?
2. Embrace Discomfort
Honesty can feel awkward, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s okay to admit you haven’t seen a movie, don’t know the answer, or simply don’t want to do something. Learn to put yourself and your convenience first.
3. Own Your Truth
To live freely and truthfully is to find liberation in being yourself. The people who truly belong in your life will love and accept you exactly as you are—not just for the shiny exterior you’ve designed.Â
For the future
The next time you catch yourself lying, stop and ask yourself: What if I just told the truth? You might be surprised by how little it actually changes, and how much lighter you feel because of it.