It’s 11:26 on Sunday, March 5th. I’m currently at work but excused myself to the restroom to cry. There have been countless times when I have felt this overwhelmed, but why now? I’m taking a semester off from UT. I’m living with my parents, which at times aggravates me, but provides me with so much support and space to heal. I have the best part-time job I’ve ever had. I paid off my credit card. I have access to my medications. I have sufficient food and water. I’m not malnourished. I got tickets to see my favorite artist and get to visit LA while doing so. So why? Why does it feel like my life is constantly falling apart? Why do I feel like a constant burden to everyone who has to deal with me? And then it hits me, I’m not in Austin.
Austin. While many people didn’t see the transition, I thrived attending UT and living in Austin. Besides the constant anxiety and depression, oh and don’t forget the ADHD, my life was simply better. So why did I leave? To heal, obviously. Why else would people leave their dreams and aspirations? And while yes I have healed, it doesn’t take away from the pain of leaving the life I wanted. Having 3 am walks with my friends around campus. Working as a barista with some of the most interesting people I’ve met. Getting to choose my day-to-day life and change them in under a minute. I miss Austin.
And the roommate. Not the horror story of others, but definitely not perfect. We had a rough start, but once we bonded, there was no turning back. Laughing for hours past midnight ended with an additional hour of laughing at each other’s different laughs. Something I can never describe in words. My ride or die all the way to the end. A relationship I can only call nonbiological sisters.
And the men. The straight cis men that terrorize the grounds. Stories of rating women as they pass by, their experiences of spending the night with women whose names they’ve forgotten. The fear of walking with a group of straight men behind you at night. The disgust of the words that came out of their dishonest mouths. You might be thinking ‘not all men have’. But I rebuttal with ‘enough men have’.
A semester off. A bittersweet ending to my supposed first year at UT. The continuous swipes of Instagram Stories of people living their lives in Austin. While I’m here. At home. Bagging groceries for the people who look down on service workers.
A semester off. Why did I do it again?
Oh right,
To heal.
My Queens, Royal Theys, and the good Kings,
I hope you don’t regret your decision,
Like I do.