An older man complimented my grandfather last weekend. He said, “you have beautiful granddaughters and a beautiful wife.”
Someone tell me why I should be astonished, and swept off my feet because an older man complimented a 19 and a 22-year-old. It would be weird to compliment someone significantly younger than you, right? Yet paying the compliment to a man at the table somehow excuses it.
As our dinner progressed, my grandmother said some remarks such as, “you did get complimented by a stranger today!” I replied, “I already know I’m beautiful, but I guess it’s nice to be reminded.” Both of my grandparents laughed light-heartedly, but I did not think it was something to brush off.
I held absolutely zero value to the compliment that I received that day. Yet, here I am writing an article about it. Why is the default compliment for women our beauty?
I don’t care if someone (especially a stranger), goes out of their way to compliment me on my looks. I would much rather be complimented on my intelligence, my strong will, and how caring and kind I am towards others. Anything can be pretty or beautiful, a picturesque landscape, a bouquet of flowers, a cloudless sky, or even a piece of clothing.
If this same scenario were to happen to me when I was 12, I would surely emit a different reaction. Without a doubt, I would’ve been very delighted to be complimented in front of my family, and I wouldn’t think too much about it. Now, I see every patriarchal aspect of this interaction, complimenting my grandfather instead of us directly, as well as complimenting the women at the table solely based on our looks.
As young girls, we have been conditioned to focus on our physical aspects especially with the intent of our attributes being complimented on by a man. There is so much emphasis on the physical, we tend to forget what qualities do matter. If I were to tell my 12-year-old self a piece of advice, I would tell her that she should dress for herself, no one else. Centering your life around others’ perceptions of yourself will get you pretty much nowhere. Why do I need a man if I can tell myself everything I want to hear?
However, gender socialization goes both ways, not all males want to be told, “you’re so strong,” “you’re so athletic” and so forth. Men also want to be complimented on their intelligence and the qualities that make you, you. Of course, I cannot “fix” the complexities of gender socialization and stereotypes within an article, yet focusing on qualities that are not necessarily tangible is what makes us beautiful and will promote an overall caring and kind society.
It is a fact that there are not many gender differences at all. Yes, men are physically stronger, have slightly better spatial ability, and can throw a ball farther. And yes, women are typically better with “soft skills” or the ability to empathize and relate to others. But other than that, males and females are practically the same. We all want connection and praise. Yet, only a few of us are aware of the fact that we are so similar. If we could grasp our similarities we could truly relate to one another.
All in all, compliments need to be more creative. I am much more than a pretty image, just take the time to get to know me.