This article will contain mentions of sexual assault and child violence. If this is something that will make you uncomfortable, please do not read it. Take care of yourself, click off the page, and read some Harry Styles articles on the website instead.
In 2010, President Barack Obama proclaimed April as National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. He “urge[d] all Americans to reach out to victims, learn more about this crime, and speak out against it.” Unfortunately, I am a victim and I know more than enough about this crime. Now I want to do the part I haven’t done yet— speak out against it. I want to tell my story in hopes that I can help other victims know that they are not alone.
As a child, from the ages of 12-16, I was sexually abused by my step-father. I came forward in May 2020, and due to COVID and other issues, I still haven’t seen my rapist be put in jail. I struggle with mental health issues, I lost family, and I suffered in ways I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I want every sexual assault survivor to know that I see them, and I hear them. I know that the process of healing is long, but I support you. I know that losing friends and family over the situation is heart shattering, but I care about you. I know that you look around and think that no one understands you, but I understand you.
Being a sexual assault survivor is probably one of the hardest things I will ever do. The pain and confusion weighs on me regularly, but I’m proud of myself for persevering anyways. I graduated, I got accepted into college, and I’m finishing my freshman year, completely without him.
I went through my last years of high school dealing with the repercussions of a slow court system that was tearing me apart. Nothing ever happened, they would set dates but never do anything. I would look online and see the date change, but never saw results. I spent years living off of the false hope that one day, the court date would actually mean something.
Eventually I got fed up, and I ended up emailing the county in the most passive aggressive way that I could imagine. I blamed them for years of torture, I blamed them for my suffering, I told them that they were making this longer than it needed to be. I told this poor, random person filtering through emails, that everything was their fault and that the system failed me.
I sat there and cried when sending that email. I hated everything about the situation I was in. I had a strained relationship with everyone in my family, I never slept, I never ate, and I truly suffered in silence. And I blamed them.
But the hard truth I had to learn to accept was that though they were incredibly slow (which is an article for another time), no one is to blame for my pain but my abuser. Learning to accept that opened doors of healing for me. It allowed me to realize that none of it was my fault, and to put the blame on the person who deserved it.
I wish that someone would’ve told me that sooner. I wished that someone would tell me it was normal to feel afraid, overwhelmed, and angry. I wish someone would’ve normalized the healing.
And though I can’t offer professional help, I can speak out and offer emotional and loving support.
You’re not alone, and honestly it gets better. The healing process will take long, and for many, it could be life-long. You are more than what any human tried to force you to be. You are stronger than any action made against you.
If you’re dealing with a long and difficult court hearing, I know you’re tired and I know you want to give up, but don’t. I fought for three years and soon, my rapist will finally be serving time in prison.
Most importantly (to me), if you’re dealing with the trauma of not only being assaulted, but losing a father like I am, know that I see and hear you. I know the holidays are hard. I know that Father’s Day makes you cry as you scroll through people’s Instagram posts, but keep going. You are strong and independent, and you are worthy of the love that your father failed at giving you. I know it hurts, and I know the healing process becomes even more complex, but you will be okay.
To every survivor: Don’t let anyone invalidate your experience, heal the best way you can, and take care of yourself. It’s hard but you will persevere. None of this is your fault. I see you and you have my support.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.