October is the perfect time to get into the spooky spirit. It’s always been a time of the year that I enjoy: not just because the weather gets slightly less hellish, but because Halloween is the best time to watch scary movies and snack on cheap Walmart holiday sugar cookies (you know the ones I’m talking about). As the month of monsters kicks off, I have found myself revisiting some of my favorite thriller media, and there is no monster media I enjoy more than a zombie apocalypse film.
This got me thinking about what I would do if the zombie outbreak ever reached UT’s doorstep. Could I even survive here on our beloved forty acres? Considering a zombie apocalypse would likely happen before my canvas stops kicking me out during my exams, I figured it was time to lock in and evaluate my odds. In the spirit of Halloween, here is my compiled list of the best campus locations to hide out in should the undead start scrambling down Speedway.
1. the Texas Union Underground
Not only does this spot have the great convenience of being on a basement-level floor, but it also comes with some pretty neat weapons and even has tons of snacks to keep you energized. If you find yourself bored while waiting for emergency help to arrive, you can always enjoy a game of air hockey with the cool fine arts kids you meet down there. This is probably as comfortable as the apocalypse could get: sipping on Red Bulls while guarding the doors with a bowling ball. Watch out, though, because even if this place has many pros, I wouldn’t want to stick it out here too long should the emergency services fail to arrive. A zombie or two could always slip their way in, leaving you with nowhere left to run, but at least you could enjoy a nice Cayman Jack while you meet your end!
2. Cypress Bend Café
Located on the first floor of San Jacinto’s resident hall, the Cypress Bend Café is a great spot for studying and surviving the zombie apocalypse! It comes equipped with food, sunlight, and plenty of metal furniture to keep your time in hiding both aesthetic and practical. Now you can practice making different combinations of coffee while the world outside falls apart. I would advise not to get too close to the windows, though, because if zombies spot you, it could be a spell for disaster. So, make sure you get those windows covered before zombies figure out how to shatter the glass!
3. Moore-Hill Dormitory
I know that hiding from a zombie horde in a dorm sounds a bit counterintuitive, but trust me when I say that Moore-Hill is an old, reliable spot for camping out (I spent most of my freshman year camping out there)! It has all the convenience of a dorm hall without the fast-paced crowds one might encounter in Jester. And there is no need to worry about any zombies slipping through the back door because side entrances there almost never worked! Now you can have a home-away-from-home in the zombie apocalypse and enjoy your modern luxuries without having to worry about the power outages taking away your AC, because Moore-Hill will always be cold even at the end of the world.
4. Anna Hiss Gymnasium
Free weights mean free weapons, and there is no better place with free weights on campus than the Anna Hiss gymnasium. I chose Anna Hiss over Gregory because of its smaller size and more underrated presence on campus (I am incredibly biased). You won’t have to worry about a lack of water or snacks when you’re hiding out at Anna Hiss gym, and if you’re feeling bored, you could always hit the rec room for some fun doomsday Pilates. The only major concern is how many potentially hyperathletic zombies you could encounter, but if anything, they would make great cardio if that’s what you’re into. If you stick with Anna Hiss as your go-to campus bunker, then you’ll be the most toned and buff gal at the survivor camp!
5. The Bell Tower
I can’t leave this list without mentioning the crown jewel of UT campus: the ever-ominous bell tower. Sure, it may take great effort (and possibly a tour guide) to reach the top, but once you’re up there, you’ll have a prime view of the apocalypse and the pride in experiencing it like a true longhorn. I’m not too sure about any fine dining you’ll get up there, but it’s better than being fine dining to the food down below. The best part? You’ll have first dibs on any emergency helicopters passing by with just one ring of the glorious bell.
So if there is a zombie apocalypse, you know where to find me! And I just realized that maybe the zombies reading this do too…..