Sexuality is a topic that is very difficult to digest in society. Navigating my own sexuality, while still trying to grow up was a hard process, is still a hard process. Not only was I going through a process of self-discovery at the age of 13, but I always had the gut-wrenching feeling of fear in my stomach of what my family would think. Being gay would be easy for everyone if there wasn’t societal judgment.
I first questioned my sexuality at 13 years old when several of my friends told me they were bisexual. At such a young age, I didn’t know being bisexual was possible. I thought I could either be lesbian or straight. I had questioned my sexuality in the past, but I still liked boys so I brushed it off. So when I found out what bisexuality was, I thought maybe that’s me. I “dated” a girl for like a week, and I didn’t like her, so I told myself I was straight. I thought maybe it was “just a phase.”
Entering high school, I only dated boys, but in the back of my mind, I still questioned my sexuality. Sophomore year is when I had my first girl crush. This girl and I would have a lot of deep conversations about our trauma and past relationships and grew pretty close. I think she played a role in me finally figuring out my sexuality. Although if you’re reading this, and we were friends in high school, I probably never told you about this.
The summer after sophomore year I went to my first pride parade, came out to my dad, and publicly came out on my Instagram as bisexual. I still never came out to my mom until I was 18. I was always afraid of what she would think, and although she’s accepting I still wonder what her reaction would be if I brought a girl home. Most of the rest of my family still doesn’t know, unless they’re reading this then hey surprise I’m gay.
While I was finally sure that I liked girls, I still only gravitated toward men after that because that’s what was “easy.” In my senior year, I had my first serious, long-term relationship, with a man, unfortunately, and I lost my virginity. I rarely ever liked having sex, and my now ex-boyfriend always questioned if I was lesbian because of it. I was so sure I was in love in that relationship, and I still think at some point I was. But when I look back on it now, I realize I just became super emotionally attached. Maybe the man was right for once, maybe I am lesbian.
College is when I’ve actually begun to embrace my sexuality a bit more. I’ve kissed girls, and I feel a bit more comfortable talking about and joking about being gay because there are a lot more gay people around me. Now I question if I like men, but I still tend to gravitate toward what’s easy.
I try not to put a label on my sexuality anymore because I really don’t know, and I think that’s okay. There’s so much pressure from society to put a label on yourself, and you should have yourself figured out by now. If you’re in your 20s and you’re still questioning your sexuality, it’s okay. You’re not alone, bestie. You don’t have to have your sexuality figured out. Not at 16, not at 20, not even at 30. Life is about experiencing things as you go. Experience life right now, and the answers will come to you naturally.