Content Warning: discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts
Disclaimer: I am not a registered doctor, this is just my experience, so please consult a doctor before starting any medication.
Many people talk about their experience with SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) saying that the medicine absolutely changed their lives for the better. For me, as I’m sure with many other people, it did not happen like that. Multiple of the ones I tried made me feel numb to life or suicidal, which is the exact opposite of what you need, right? I don’t write this to discourage anyone from trying SSRI’s because for some people the medicine is amazing, but to make those who did not have good experiences not feel so alone. I’m going to break down the SSRI’s I’ve taken and how they made me feel. All of these medications are mainly prescribed as antidepressants but also have other purposes sometimes.
- Zoloft
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This one worked to a degree. I didn’t feel sad, but I also didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel anything. Life was life and that was that and it was whatever.
- Prozac
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This one did not work. I became so incredibly irate all the time. Any little thing someone said to me that pissed me off, I felt mad enough to punch a wall. It was one of the worst feelings ever and a not-so-friendly reminder to not go through life mad.
- Bupropion
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This one worked for a couple of months, but after that, I started experiencing suicidal thoughts, which obviously are not good or fun.
- Effexor
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This one did not work. This medicine made me suicidal almost as soon I started taking it and was much too intense. Honestly, I am thankful to be alive after that experience.
After telling my psychiatrist about how these medicines made me feel, she decided we needed to try something else. She asked me a few more questions and diagnosed me with ADHD, which shocked me honestly (I’ll make another article going more in-depth about my experience with this). After diagnosing me, she put me on Focalin, which worked to a degree, but it made me feel like a body listening to what my brain told me I needed to complete. After discussing this with her, she put me on Adderall. It helped me so much. After being on the medicine for a week, I sat outside after class and just enjoyed the nature around me and the sun. This is never something I thought I would be able to do. I simply thought I could not enjoy nature the same way other people could, but it was actually the way my brain is wired.
All in all, make sure you advocate for yourself, describe how you’re feeling, and ask for help when you need it. Because while many medications did not work for me and some methods of therapy did not work, I continued to advocate for myself and found something that helped me and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.