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Letting Go of Toxic Friendships

“Hey, want to watch the premiere of Jane the Virgin on Monday? We can even go to happy hour before it starts!”

How could a simple, up-beat invitation turn into something along the lines of becoming enemies with a close friend? Apparently, I am quite a professional at the deed. This all started about two weeks ago and has been building up to this day, when finally, I’ve decided enough is enough. But first, let me give you some background on how our friendship was going, before this blew up.

We had known each other for about 10 months, give or take. We first met about two years ago but didn’t really start hanging out, apart from studying, until this year. Things were great. We would talk about pretty much everything from our favorite food to get at a restaurant to what we wanted out of our lives. We also had fun while  going downtown on the occasional Thursday (during syllabus week only, of course). But then I took a closer look at our friendship.

Constantly texting each other, pretty much nonstop; everyday was routine. She’d ask me what I was doing for lunch or if I was stopping to get coffee before class or if I needed to go grocery shopping or even when I was going to study later that day. The thing with texting is that you can ask whatever, pretty much whenever. As a considerate human being, I always replied. Granted she wasn’t always asking about what I was doing, but I felt as though my freedom was dwindling. I like to spend time alone. I get more things done throughout my day if I walk alone through campus, not letting anyone know what I’m going to do next. I need my space. I needed my sanity back. If I didn’t do what was expected of me, I was toast.

She would reply with an extra long text after I told her I’m sitting somewhere else at the FAC and then I would apologize although I had done nothing wrong. Does everything really need such a detailed explanation? The answer is no. Not everyone needs to know everything about you. You don’t have to have your deepest thoughts come to the surface for everyone to see. You don’t have to give the real reason you don’t want to study later, maybe you just wanted to be alone and have some time for yourself, for once. And that’s what I did.

Fast forward to the present situation, the invitation turned sour after I didn’t want her to come over and eat dinner. Plans were changed the day of the premiere and changing plans around, the day of, really gave me a turn. I was furious. If you told me you couldn’t do happy hour the day before, why would I spontaneously want to go 2 hours before the premiere? I need some notice. Nasty texts were sent because I wasn’t responding to her request and just like that, everything blew up.

I was done expressing my “feelings.” I was done giving detailed explanations for private decisions, and I was done allowing her to twist my words, making me sound like an evil, inconsiderate person. I just needed space.

A week later I got a text asking, “Soooo…. Are we still friends?”

Well let me think. I wasn’t the one who blew up about not wanting to come over, I got tired of explaining, and stopped replying. As far as I know, we are still friends. But it took me a while to reply. As usual, I put the blame on myself. This was a mistake because not only did she reply, two days later, she didn’t apologize for the way she acted.

She took my explanation, broke it down word for word, analyzed each part, and twisted the words to point at me. I, apparently, was the only one at fault for the mishap. At this point, I was done. She didn’t get a reply. Fast forward two more days. She still wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to her. I gave her another short explanation, “Because it seemed like you didn’t want a response.” She kept probing for more, unable to leave it alone and move on. I was really angry at this point.

I won’t go into detail but things always happen for a reason, right? Maybe this was a sign I should let go of this friendship, that it wasn’t doing me any good. Hopefully I can gather myself and reintroduce some privary into my life again. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure it all out but one thing I know is, I was ready to move on. I guess she wasn’t.

 

 

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