We all know obvious relationship red flags such as cheating, broken trust, ultimatums and everything in between. But what happens when the warning signs don’t feel like warnings at all? What if you get a partner that disguises digital control as “just wanting to know you’re safe?” This is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we need to talk about the “micro” signs of control — the ones disguised as love, until they aren’t.
- Digital Check-In’s Disguised as “Safety”
They constantly demand your location, ask for tons of FaceTime tours of where you are at and expect you to reply immediately. This is actually digital surveillance used to keep tabs on your independence, but it CAN feel like they care about your safety.
2. Over-Involvement in Your Decisions
The will manage your schedule, pick your classes and tell you subtly how to spend your money because they “know what’s best for you.” This could be seen as supportive mentorship, but it’s financial and personal control designed to take away your autonomy.
3. The “Joke” That Stings
This one might seem funny, because we all make sarcastic jokes about out partner’s outfits, intelligence and friends when you guys are alone (you can do this harmlessly!), but when they do it in front of your friends, and it genuinely hurts your feelings and they call you “too sensitive,” that’s the problem. This is subtle-belittling. Your partner will slowly chip away your self-esteem until you start to question your own worth and judgement.
4. Micro-Flouting Your Independence
This is the type of partner who will make passive-aggressive comments when you plan time with your friends, stay up late to study or just simply go to a meeting for NOT spending time with them. People will see this as loud jealousy, but if your partner makes you feel guilty for simply having a LIFE outside of them, DUMP THEM.
5. Weaponized Vulnerability
This is the most dangerous one to me because it is emotional manipulation at its core. When you set a boundary or express your feelings to your partner and they respond with something like, “I guess I’m just a terrible partner then” or bring up their trauma to make YOU feel bad for just expressing how you feel, DUMP THEM. They force you to drop your feelings so you can comfort them.