My boyfriend and I have survived over a year of long distance. I would like to emphasize the word “survive,” because sometimes long distance is simply the worst. I consider myself to be an optimistic person, but it’s hard to be positive about long distance. It’s difficult and depressing to be apart from your favorite person.
While I am admittedly a pessimist about long distance, the truth is that long distance is doable and absolutely worth the effort. If you believe a relationship is worthy of commitment, there are strategies to make things easier and to stay connected. I’ve made it through a year, and my relationship is still growing and evolving for the better.
As always, I’d like to offer my honest advice on what I’ve learned and what I am still learning after a year of doing long distance. Things can be tough, but thinking of how to approach long distance can help strengthen the relationship and help you stay connected while apart.
1- Be more intentional with your relationship.
College is already a busy time, and losing the privilege of in-person connection makes things harder. Some of the many privileges of living in proximity with your partner include being able to make plans on a whim or simply coexisting in the same spaces. This isn’t an option anymore.
When my boyfriend and I transitioned into a long-distance relationship, I obviously realized that things would be different. I just didn’t realize how much of my relationship revolved around easily adjusting our already similar schedules to see each other. It didn’t take time or effort to involve him in what I was doing, or for me to adjust my plans to fit his needs.
Now, I can’t just invite him over to sit with me when I need to study. He can’t come with me to outings or events. We don’t have similar classes or friends. I have to be more intentional about my time and make an effort to have meaningful connections every day.
Connection won’t always fall into place or happen naturally. It takes thought and patience to make memories and stay in contact. I find time to share my day with my boyfriend. I have his class schedule in a document, so I can be mindful of his availability. I make more of an effort to be intentional and considerate.
2- Not every day of long-distance will be identical.
Realizing that every day of long distance will be different helps with being intentional and creates more understanding. As schedules change and seasons become busier, your relationship will go through changes. You may communicate more or less depending on the circumstances, and that is perfectly acceptable.
During midterm season, my boyfriend and I may only call once a week instead of daily. Sometimes, he may be out later than I am, or I may have plans when he is free. When that happens, I understand that our feelings for each other haven’t changed. We have learned that we have to be flexible and give each other grace in chaotic seasons of life.
When talking about trust in long-distance relationships, there is usually a discussion about jealousy. However, I think it is imperative to understand that trust also refers to trusting that your partner’s feelings don’t change when they aren’t communicating as much during a busy period. Trust in the security of your relationship, and know that things will return to normal with time. Give yourself and your partner the space and grace to adapt to what is happening outside of your control and remember that your relationship is based on trust and love.
3- You have to communicate your specific needs.
Communication is the most valuable part of a successful long-distance relationship. Communication is how you are intentional. Communication is how you understand why your relationship may be going through a different phase.
Physical distance shouldn’t create emotional distance in your relationship. Be specific about your needs. Be open if you are busier than normal. Be honest about what you are feeling and how you can best be supported from afar. Explain what is or isn’t working in the relationship. Don’t let distance make you feel guilty about sharing what you need.
Additionally, consider your and your partner’s love language. Think about how both of your specific desires can be met and understand that this doesn’t look the same for everyone. As an example, my love language is quality time, and I love to know my schedule in advance. To best meet my needs, my boyfriend and I plan times we can call during our day, instead of spontaneously calling or relying on text. While this may not be a priority for your relationship, my boyfriend and I know that setting aside time makes me feel secure and seen. Experiment with specific methods to stay connected and consider how to support your partner.
Long distance will present new, difficult challenges. However, I promise your relationship can still thrive and that special memories will be made. After a year, I can honestly say that I am more in love and more excited for the future than ever!