My dad died when I was three. This being said, the holiday season has always been particularly difficult for my family. Growing up, every December loved ones decorated his grave with bright candy canes, wreaths, flowers and more. It always seemed like a big celebration where my siblings and I would jump at the chance to put the first piece of fake plastic candy into the ground. I never questioned when someone ushered us away soon after the job was done while the adults stood huddled around, talking in soft voices and placing kisses to the headstone. I realized this month that I haven’t been to decorate in years now— no one has.
Having gone to the cemetery for the first time in almost five years this week, I can only now begin to understand how grief as an adult is so much more complex. Everything seemed so much quieter without the laughter of our younger selves and so much dimmer without the shiny decorations. This time, at the end of the visit, I was now part of the party speaking in hushed voices with wet eyes.
Visiting the cemetery as a child always consisted of running around with my siblings, hiding behind the gigantic trees rooted every ten feet and leaving behind trinkets and toys as an offering to our late father. Leaving gifts was always my favorite thing, and when we would return and see the toys missing, I thought it was our dad taking them as a treat for himself. Now I know it was the groundskeepers cleaning up graves and throwing garbage away left behind by visitors.
However, this time, I found a little toy baby in my room before I left and shoved it into my bag. I left it on his grave with a smile and a goodbye that felt so much heavier than before. Even knowing that when the plastic baby disappears, it was just an employee throwing it away as part of their job. For some reason, I didn’t care. I just needed a piece of brightness that my younger self was so in tune with.
While the holidays are a time to express gratitude and be with family, I still find it hard to celebrate togetherness when we can no longer be together. The most important thing I have learned is that you cannot ignore the grief and sometimes you can’t make peace with it, but you can learn to coexist with it. Grief can make the holidays feel extremely isolating, but doing small things like leaning on others, finding joy wherever you can and creating a safe space to feel your feelings unapologetically can ease some of the tension.