Spring has sprung, my friends. Flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, the sun is shining…
Really, though, who cares about that—it’s Spring Break, baby!
But what if you don’t have the time or the dime to go frolic in Florida, board in Breckenridge or get your surf and sun on in South Padre? No need to fret over funds or frequent flyer miles. If you live in Austin, the party is coming to you. Put away the books and break out the booze! I’m here to tell you how to have the time of your life without leaving town.
SXSW
Obvious… yes, but every year the festival seems to conveniently fall during Spring Break, and every time thousands of students ending up missing out; choosing instead to contract sunburns and STD’s on Herpes Beach. But their loss is your gain. South by Southwest Music Festival offers you the chance to catch some awesome shows and, more importantly, some awesome bros. Sit back and take in the beautiful scenery as the skinny jeans stampede of artsy guys with residual teenage angst and better hair than you flock to the music capital to try and make it…or, you know, just make out. You say groupie, I say opportunist. Try a great opener like “Oh you’re in a band! My roommate’s ex-boyfriend’s uncle’s dental hygienist is married to a guy that works for Columbia Records…I could totally hook you up.”
Works every time.
LIVE VICARIOUSLY THRU MTV’S SPRING BREAK
This is misleading. MTV’S Spring Break doesn’t actually air this year until March 28th. But with some creative Googling, there’s no doubt in my mind you could find a few episodes—or at least pictures—online of the good old days, like 1999 when Busta Rhymes and 98 degrees got the crowd goin’. Sit back, relax, and watch college-age contestants play Say What? Karaoke and indulge in wholesome activities like eating whipped cream off of scantily-dressed strangers. Then appreciate the fact that your beer-fueled bloopers aren’t broadcasted nationally and your parents won’t be disowning you after this Spring Break. Hell, you can even go crazy and celebrate with some ice cream while you watch. After all, YOUR thighs aren’t going to be on national television
FLOAT THE RIVER
Okay, so this is a little out of Austin, but take advantage of the amazing weather and take a short road trip. Catch a few rays and satisfy your party needs by floating the San Marcos River or the Guadalupe. There’s nothing more fun—or rowdy—than hanging out in a tube with your friends and your cooler and letting the current do all the work. Consider extending your trip a bit and pitch a tent in one of the campsites along either river. Everyone will have time to sober up and, more importantly, camping is the perfect excuse to have a few—10 or 12— s’mores. What’s not to like about that?
BARTON SPRAAANGS
That’s the rowdier way of spelling Barton Springs. If you really are upset about not being able party Big Willy Style in Miami this break, stage your own mini SB extravaganza at one of Austin’s sickest spots. It’s not exactly comparable to shot-gunning beers shoulder-to-shoulder with thousands of other oiled up co-eds, but if you go during the week at least the amount of squealing children and frustrated parents is bound to be at a minimum. Grown-ups still have to work, the suckers. There’s also the added benefit that you won’t have to deflect the advances hundreds of horny guys who actually think they have a chance with pick-up lines like “Did it hurt…falling from heaven?”
So gather up your girlfriends, break out the boom box and go catch some rays and enjoy a delightful dip in Austin’s own lagoon. People pay more and travel further for oasis’ like this. And with all the money you saved, you can totally afford a refreshing $8 smoothie from Daily Juice.
DETOX
Maybe your friends drag you out three nights a week to go downtown. (I certainly try to persuade my roommates to come out with me—umm—every night). Perhaps you’re exhausted between the midterms and the 6th Street extravaganzas and you just want to forgo poolside partying and hibernate for a week. Well go for it. Sleep in until noon and watch wonderful reruns of shows like Step by Step and Family Matters that only air when you’re usually in class. Or catch up on some soap operas. I personally recommend General Hospital. I mean, it has James Franco—need I say more?
Stay in your pajamas until 4, eat obscenely large bowls of cereal and enjoy not being hungover, stressed out or sunburned. Don’t touch those textbooks and relish every moment as you feel your brain slowly turn to mush. It’s a reversible process, I swear.