With the spring semester developing before us with every passing day, new beginnings and opportunities present a pathway which allows for people to draw on their varying motives to ‘start again’ or embrace the solace a ‘blank slate’ can bestow.
The chance to begin again – to some extent – can produce this longing for closure of past events, relationships, virtually anything that is perceived as lacking a conclusion.
If I’m being honest, this yearn to resolve certain aspects of my past has been heavy on my mind lately. Which could be attributed to a variety of things; from my personal acknowledgement that the intense emotion I once felt about things, has subdued to nearly nothingness. Or the fact that I no longer feel the need to carry these burdens with me as I attempt to develop into the person I wish to be. Regardless of the reason, I believe that when this sentiment is revealed within you, it is of the upmost importance to act on it. Especially if there is personal growth you are working to improve upon internally. Because how is a person to progress in life if they are tethered to an irrelevant facet of themselves? To state it plainly, they can’t. This grievance, no matter the magnitude, if buried, can appear forgotten for a moment. Yet, when this sentiment is randomly reactivated by everything and nothing – the effects will be clear, appearing much more substantial as it [the grievance] will have had time to metastasize.
For this reason and others, let us embark on our journey to forgive, forget, and move on.
This search for a resolution isn’t going to be easy or accomplished quickly. Recognize that you will need an ample amount of self patience and forgiveness, then try your hardest to give yourself such things. Moving on and forward is not linear, as it isn’t with healing and grieving. There will be days where an abundance of progress will be shown and there will be days that feel like you’re back at square one. Work to accept both kinds of days and those that fall in-between, equally. Fully embrace the feelings that come with said days because that is the moment you truly begin to move on – when you validate yourself.
Without further ado, here is my extremely limited advice and outtakes on maturing as an individual through attaining closure internally and externally.
Firstly, it is vital that you’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re goal to achieve closure should be completely and utterly for yourself. In this moment, channel all of the self-serving energy you can muster – because there is always the internal struggle that arises when we attempt to put ourselves first. Realize and internalize that wishing to move on is self care; maybe if it helps do a face mask or eat your favorite food, so that you may begin to associate the physical care with the internal.
Once the intentions behind your desire for closure are concrete, point your attention to specific events and within this, the moments you wish to reopen and resolve. The motivations for selecting particular events needs no explanation (unless you wish to give one), except for it being an act of advocacy for yourself. This is not to say reflection is painless or straightforward, because it isn’t. In my opinion, reflecting is one of the most difficult aspects of healing. Since the occasion is one of the past and we are able to view it (usually) with a lack of intensity, we may realize that we were more at fault or mistreated then originally thought, there is also the possibility that the feelings around the moment remain the same. Either or all sentiments are valid in their own way, what truly matters is how we internalize these realizations and use them to evolve.
Recognizing our personal wrong doings in life is a major part of expanding our emotional maturity and it allows for the creation of a self-awareness thought process/pattern. At the same time, accepting that we may have been unfairly treated more intensely, can allot us the chance for self worth and value growth – aiming to not be exploited in such a way again. Even if the sentiment felt at the moment is the same, feeling any sort of way about the event can offer a chance for growth.
After no specified or set amount of reflecting time, other than when you feel ready, it is time to decide whether forgiveness is something you want to offer or not (when speaking of forgiveness you can decide to tell the opposing force or let it be a private, internal decision). Like stated previously, this entire process lacks the aspect of linearity, therefore feelings of forgiveness might also vary day to day or even minute to hour, this is completely okay. The reflection time has opened the door for you to process the event itself and the after effects it’s had on you, grant yourself the time to make the decision and then fully support yourself when the decision is reached.
On the other hand, there is the prospect of ‘forgetting’, which again is an individual choice. In the spirit of my personal goal to ‘be more open’, forgetting is something that is extremely difficult for me and honestly, something I rarely do. Which, I am fully aware is extremely juvenile of me, especially when I chalk up my actions to my astrological sign (as capricorns are known for ‘never forgetting’). However, I am striving to be better in this aspect of my emotional maturity – thus the acknowledgement of my effort because even if I’ve only moved an inch, I’m not at the same place where I began. Nevertheless, forgetting is very unpleasant (at least from my perspective), because to some degree complete forgetfulness isn’t entirely attainable (in the literal sense) – I think time/age allows for the closest point to shutting out the memory. ‘Forgetting’ in this sense really just means (in unofficial terms), no longer constantly thinking about what happened when you were associating with the entity/environment that compelled you to seek closure in the first place. In my experience, this is the point in which many people realize the only way they can gain closure or fully move on, is by discontinuing the relation they have to the entity that caused this grief. This is a separate type of grieving that must occur simultaneously as the individual works to resolve the initial dilemma – as they have now also lost a connection. All this to say, ‘forgetting’ an aspect of something on behalf of closure, is a case by case/person by person affair. If you’re the type of person who can forget – fully and unconditionally – I applaud and praise you, and beg for you to share your superior wisdom and outlook for people like me (who still manage to hold grudges from middle school…). If you can’t ‘forget’, don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes that’s who we are as people – but recognizing this vice means it is now your job to act in opposition of it (or try to).
When the tasks of forgiving and forgetting are deemed complete by you, the entire process of moving on begins. Moving on in every sense of the word, from the expansion of your emotional maturity to the attainment of closure. Once again, I do want to emphasize how this whole affair is not effortless or quick – everyone makes progress at their own pace in their own time! Try not to compare your experience with acquiring closure to someone else’s, because every single facet of your circumstance is different from theirs (i.e. the issue itself, the differing personas involved, even the timing aspect). Truthfully, you reading this article is a start on your journey to some extent, or maybe I’m just giving you brownie points for supporting me – either way we get a win!
Nevertheless, if you are to take away anything from this article, let it be that you deserve to move on and forward. Yes, to be a better a person generally speaking of course, but with moving you will [hopefully] begin to validate yourself and your worth as an individual. We can want to be ‘better people’ like it’s on our Christmas list – but there has to be a testament to your existence and value. People that are ‘good’ know their worth and it allows them to display kindness to others because they are kind to themselves.
It’s a new year, a new semester, and it could be the flourishing of the person you have always wanted to be!
Trust me when I say, I am also going through this ‘improvement’ era as I begin to fully enter adulthood, but when all is said and done, this understanding that developing internally is for the goodness that will be incorporated in us as we grow.
To forgiving, forgetting, and moving on – because we can!