Being Undatable in Highschool has Ruined my Love Life

I am a 20-year-old who has never dated anyone. I guess I am what you would call a late bloomer, as embarrassing as that is. I threw away my first kiss to get it over with when I was 18 (very regrettable) just so I wouldn’t feel like such a loser. It did not work. 

You see, nobody liked me in high school. I still had baby fat, didn’t know how to dress for my body, had the frizziest hair you’ve ever seen, and I didn’t wear makeup. Plus, I did not know how to talk to people. I was a lost cause. 

I filled all the free time I had not dating anyone with reading books about epic romances and daydreaming about when it would be my turn. Someone who would love me for m like in the movies when the obviously pretty girl everyone pretends is ugly takes off her glass and it turns out she was beautiful all along. 

I have been told my whole life by the people closest to me that they “can’t picture me dating anyone ever,” or could see me “being alone for the rest of my life.” Or that I was “not Nederland (my hometown) pretty.” Talk about brutal. 

I laughed along and pretended I was unaffected, but if I am being honest, it stung. It was a major ego crush for a young girl.

When I finally began experimenting with my look for the first time in freshman year, all of these people from high school were telling me how much of a glow-up I had undergone. 

I’m aware this is a compliment, but it feels pretty backhanded. I mean, it’s one thing for me to acknowledge my less-than-fortunate looks in the past, but it hurts to hear confirmation. 

So I became obsessed with looking good. I had 18 years of compliments to make up for, and I was going to make them count. 

Now I knew I was at least pretty, but I was still so inexperienced. Everyone around me had dated and been in love.

I had missed out on all the sweet nothings of first loves. Of gentle touches, nervous kisses, first dates, and hand-holding. 

By 20, everyone has had their firsts, and seconds, and probably many more. But I want the sweet nothings. I want my firsts to be as important as if I was still young enough for it to be normal.

So runs my intense fear of dating. Because dating in college means casual, moving fast, and no strings attached. It has all these expectations of what I have to do. 

Nobody around me understands this. Why I would rather be alone than give up on my dreams of an epic first love. I want it all or nothing. Someone to live up to the books and movies. 

I watch everyone around me, date person, after person, jumping to the next like it’s nothing. Like it’s so easy to love and be loved. But it isn’t easy for me. I feel like there’s a manual read or a class everyone took that nobody told me about. 

Nobody understands the intense feeling of being so unwanted, of not knowing what you did wrong. Because everyone is wanted by someone. Everyone has their meet-cutes and their love stories. 

I know I should probably be embarrassed putting all this out into the world, but I know there are other people who are late bloomers like me. And I wish I had a happy ending to tell you to make you feel better, but I haven’t found the silver lining yet.

At least if you’re reading this and relate to me in any way, we aren’t alone. 

Maybe the love I want doesn’t exist for me. Maybe I will be alone forever. But I’m only 20, and I still have hope for my epic first love.