5 MINDSET CHANGES THAT SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP

As finals roll around and the classes for the year come to an end, the only thing that seems to be on anyone’s mind, is summer. If you’ve been on social media or out in the world at all these past few years, you’ve definitely heard the term “Hot Girl Summer:” an aesthetic defined by hot, single, women having the time of their lives. What I’ve never really understood though, is why you have to be single to be the best version of yourself. Around this time last year, I guess I thought I’d try and find out. When my nearly 2-year-long relationship came to an end, the only bright side I saw was that I could finally be the version of myself I thought I couldn’t be with him. 

However, after 6 long months of “finding myself,” I found myself back in the comfort of the healthiest and most uplifting relationship I had ever been in. I found myself wishing it had never ended; I found myself wondering why anyone would ever want to give up something good for something better, when the opportunity to turn good into great was right in front of them. Since then, I’ve learned a lot about relationships that have changed the way I look at my own.

Here are 5 mindset changes that saved my relationship, and I hope will help yours too.

1. Love is a choice, not just a feeling.

Love is so much more than just the honeymoon stage. Everyone loves the happy, weightless excitement of something new, but that can only last so long. When the sparks fade, relationships often settle into a daily routine. Every date may not start with a bouquet full of flowers or enthusiastic good morning paragraphs each day, and that’s okay. Love is allowed to feel like a comfortable hoodie you turn to on a sad day, or that stuffed animal you’ve had forever that just sits on your bed. It’s meant to be a conscious choice you make every day. The choice to stay with your partner: show them affection, communicate and understand one another through the good and bad. 

Of course a years-long relationship can still be made exciting, but I know it may not be the same as it once was. Learn to accept that change can be a good thing, and choose to love every version of yourself and your partner as you grow throughout your relationship. 

2. Your partner can’t read your mind.

As a girlfriend, I definitely understand “if he wanted to, he would.” The problem? Sometimes he doesn’t know there’s anything he has to do. Especially when it comes to communication, not everyone is affected by the same things in the same ways. Saying “this hurt me”, instead of just hoping they’ll notice, is giving your partner a chance to do right by you. Of course, how they choose to fix things is entirely up to them, but it isn’t fair to expect someone to fix something they don’t know is broken. Clear communication can bring about better understanding and closeness – no one wants to play guessing games.

3. Fights aren’t meant to be won.

Nobody likes arguments, I get that, but sometimes they’re a necessary evil.  I found that our fights weren’t always about who was right and wrong, but understanding that we had differing opinions and trying to figure out why. Helping each other see your point of views is a great way to change the direction of an argument from an unwanted misunderstanding, to a constructive conversation on learning more about the other person. 

4. Just because your ex didn’t, doesn’t mean someone else won’t.

You are never too much, too emotional, or too complicated. The right person will make space for you. You’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong person. Love shouldn’t be about accommodating yourself to someone else’s needs; it’s about growing alongside someone who has room for you. If someone has ever made you feel like you don’t deserve the love you grew up dreaming about, don’t let that define your future loves. Keep dreaming. ♡

5. Independence makes love stronger.

Your partner is your everything: understandable. Love can be all consuming, and that’s a great way to show devotion – but if your mind, body, and heart are all taken up by one person, that doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for yourself. Sense of self is an important thing to maintain throughout any relationship. Being able to take time for yourself, and finding joy in your hobbies and goals can motivate you to become the best version of you for your partner. 

Even if you don’t have a relationship to save right now, or a relationship worth saving, the important thing is that you know your identity comes from within yourself: regardless of the people around you. Be your best self because you’re ready to grow, and maybe you’ll find someone ready to grow beside you. 

With these in mind, I’m looking forward to my Hot Girl Summer: hot, taken, and having the time of my life. 

• love
• relationship