I’m a lover girl to my core. I want everyone in my life to know how much I love them and to make sure they never have to question it. Until recently, platonic love was all I ever really knew. I never hated Valentine’s Day because I loved seeing other people in love, and I loved celebrating platonic love with my friends.
This year, I wish the day didn’t exist.
I want to hide from the Instagram posts, the love songs, the flowers, and the happiness, because, right now, I don’t feel happy. I feel heartbroken.
Exactly a month before Valentine’s Day, the first person I’ve ever been in love with broke my heart. It almost felt cinematic how dramatic the situation was. In a span of two hours, there was a cosmic shift in my life; it was palpable how different everything immediately was.
This year’s Valentine’s Day is just a reminder of what could have been. I wanted a grand gesture of proclamation. Instead, I’m filling my journal with sad poetry that no one is ever going to see.
Adjust back to my baseline from before knowing this person I loved has been heartbreaking in and of itself. Because on top of reeling from feeling the loss of someone else, I’m realizing I was starting to lose myself in our relationship. I had become a version of a person I wasn’t proud to be. During our time together, I became depressed, overly anxious, and passive. I began waiting for things to happen to me when I previously used to make things happen.
After two weeks of consistent crying, I started getting angry and annoyed. It was painful to learn that there are people out there who will see your ability to love and laugh at it. To know that I could love someone wholeheartedly and it not be returned is a terrifying realization. Loving someone means opening yourself up to being vulnerable, but I never thought I could love someone who was willing to be cruel in return.
Every time I see or hear something that I would’ve previously sent to them or told them about, my heart breaks just a little more. It’s always surprising to learn how much a person can start to consume your life, something that’s unnoticeable until suddenly you’re surrounded by their absence.
It’s been a month since we last spoke, and each day that passes makes me sad for their absence but relieved to be getting my spark back. However, I worry that I’m going to lose my progress with Valentine’s Day. I have all this love for a specific person and nowhere to put it.
And what’s a lover girl supposed to do with no one to love?
For single women, I feel there are only two options: be madly in love or be madly content with being alone. Both options are okay, but so is being sad and heartbroken. It can be uncomfortable and lonely to feel so jaded during a time that’s supposed to be for celebration.
Not everything needs to have a lesson or be a transformative moment in our lives. I’m struggling to allow myself to feel without intellectualizing and looking for a reason. Sometimes people just disappoint you, and you’re allowed to be bothered by it.