During your first encounter with a new friend, do you pour your heart out? How much should you tell them during the first meeting? Do they give you an hour to release all of your childhood trauma before moving on to their next friend? I hope not, because that would be considered a very transactional relationship. But you most likely already understand that, and that’s why you’ve decided to begin therapy sessions. Congrats! Just taking the step to find a therapist and making an appointment takes a lot of strength. Now that you’re there, how can you make sure you are getting what you need out of your therapist? I’m here to tell you.
I don’t know about you, but meeting someone and telling them intimate parts of my life is pretty intimidating. When meeting with a new therapist, I try to have a list of things that I want to talk about. In most first therapy appointments, your therapist will ask you questions about the answers you gave during “intake”. Intake questions can be difficult to answer because they ask about childhood trauma, abuse, or sexuality; which for some can be difficult topics to discuss freely or openly. Having an idea of the topics you want to discuss ahead of time will help you exert more control over the appointment to avoid feeling overwhelmed by any touchy subjects that get brought up.
Additionally, when your therapist starts to ask you something you are uncomfortable with, it can be hard to talk to them about it. After all, this person is still a stranger even if they are here to help you. If you are uncomfortable answering a question, you can always tell them that you would like to talk about that later. It puts a pin in the topic long enough for you to get used to opening up with your therapist about sensitive subjects. Any therapist will understand that you are trying to set boundaries and establishing this early makes for a better long term relationship!
Taking a journal to your first appointment also helps because your therapist will want to know how you react to situations that trigger negative emotions. Use of a journal allows users to track their emotions and what they did or felt on a particular day. If you have a spotty memory like me, or have specific concerns for the upcoming week, having them written down helps your therapist create a path for how to help you.
If you do feel open to talking about sensitive topics then it can be helpful to do something with your hands during the appointment. You can bring a journal, a sketchbook, or a coloring book to use during your session. Some therapists have games like playing cards to use while you are talking. It helps to distract you and keeps the conversation from feeling too intimidating. If you have cards or a puzzle it would be a good idea to take them to your session and ask your therapist to play with you. Playing games is a bonding experience and helps you figure out if your therapist is right for you.
After all, it can be helpful to know a little more about your therapist. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions! I’m not saying switch places with them and pull out your notepad. But if you want to ask them about their experience or positive questions like how they spend their weekends, do it! It’s a good way to see if you can connect with your therapist. If they can talk to you, you can talk to them. A good therapist can make you feel casual while also keeping the relationship professional.
Building a relationship with your therapist does not happen in a day. It could take a few sessions to get comfortable-just like with any person. Once you pick an ice breaking strategy, your therapist now knows more about you. Not only from what you have told them from this session, but based on the way you have chosen to get comfortable with them. How you play a game, color in a coloring book, and how you use your journal reveals a lot about you. If the strategy you chose worked, keep doing it during your sessions! Just like any other relationship, you need to build a bond in order to tackle sensitive issues. Work on your relationship like you would in a new romance or with a new friend.
Above all, it is important to remember that you can have all the communication skills and tricks, but it won’t matter if your therapist does not value your time, your efforts or your feelings. If your therapist constantly reschedules or cancels appointments, constantly talks over you during sessions, or does not respond to your feelings that therapist is not right for you! Just like any relationship that takes time and effort, your efforts can be one-sided. If you walk out of your session feeling like you did not get anything out of it, consider finding a new therapist. Your feelings deserve the time and effort from both your therapist and yourself.