As someone who has experienced a plethora of unhealthy relationships, healing with someone else in a healthy relationship can be pretty uncertain. For me, my current relationship being healthy is abnormal and feels wrong. Realizing how bad my relationships were in the past has led me to have a new outlook on life and what my life could be.
Here, I’ll talk about some of my personal experiences with relationships in the past and how I am healing from those experiences now. Some of the conversations I am talking about here may be troubling for some, so if emotional or sexual abuse in a relationship is a sore subject for you, please read another one of our articles!
During my childhood, personal experiences and friends taught me what was valuable. I think that at a young age, I was taught to prioritize relationships (and friendships) with people I could fix. I am a naturally empathetic person, so I thought for a long time that people who were friends with me needed my help. Because of this, I made friends with people that I thought I could save. I made this my main goal in romantic relationships as well, and I dated people who I thought needed my help; I believed that my empathy was the only redeeming quality I had. Maybe since I didn’t see myself as something that could be saved, I might as well help other people, instead.
I held this subconscious ideology throughout my high school and college years, but I realized after I met my current partner that I am actually desirable to someone who is nice to me, someone who actually cares about me as a person. That was (and still is) the weirdest part for me. I feel relaxed in my current relationship and not in fight-or-flight mode anymore. That in and of itself is weird. I haven’t truly felt relaxed with someone as much as I do with my partner.
Here are some things that I have found helpful indications of poor or healthy relationships and what I wish I had known growing up.
Unhealthy Indicators:
- Making you feel stupid for asking questions, not knowing a song or movie they like, or making you feel bad for the small things. In the past, partners made me feel like I couldn’t share questions I had because I “should have just known” or that I was stupid for not knowing something that they think is obvious. Also, when people have asked me if I have seen or watched a movie before and I say no, a lot of people gave me a hard time about it. It made me feel awful, like I had done something wrong. Words like this made me feel inadequate, especially since I had a hard time feeling connected to others.
- Man-child syndrome. One partner I was with during COVID acted extremely childish, especially when his mom was around. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he had an extremely hard home life, but I wish I had run when I saw this behavior. Anytime you see someone throw an extreme, child-like tantrum, run. If your partner acts like a child in situations when they shouldn’t be acting like one, please leave. This may be a sign that they need a therapist, not a girlfriend. That being said, if someone has childhood tendencies, such as having stuffed animals or fully being themselves around you, is a good sign. This means that they are comfortable around you. This one is tricky because someone might have a hard time with emotional expression, but again, that is not your job as their partner to fix that for them. From personal experience, it is not your job to comfort them because their mom told them to come for dinner. That’s abuse.
- Any sort of sexual coercion. Now, this one might be obvious, but you should never be coerced into having sex with someone, but that happens to a lot of people. I want to make this very clear. No matter what time you say “no” or share any time during a sexual encounter that you do not want to continue, the person you are with should stop. There is no excuse for someone taking advantage of you in a compromising situation. From my personal experience, I was with my ex, and before the event in question, I was ready to have sex with this man. During the time we had together, I decided that I wanted to stop, and he didn’t. That was his choice to make, not mine. Now I still have a hard time with sexual intercourse, which is something that will be scarring for the rest of my life. That being said, that transitions into my current relationship, which I will talk about later.
These are not all the tips I have, so I may write a part two to this article. Stay tuned for that!
Healthy Indicators:
- Growing alongside them. If you are able to grow into the person you want to be with your partner and they encourage it, you are in the right place. I have found the encouragement of my dreams and aspirations from my partner to be very healing. Without reassurance, I feel like my relationship wouldn’t feel as genuine or connected. The main point, though, is that you both have goals, aspirations, dreams, and an idea of what you want your lives to look like. You should both have goals for what you want your careers to be, where you want to live, and what motivates you. Growing together takes having different personalities but similar core beliefs and values. The second key ingredient is that even if your career goals, for example, are completely different, your main values should align. If you both want to have a spiritual-bound relationship, both want to live in the mountains, or both want two kids and a house in the future, that is so much more important than liking the same movies (no matter how fun that is). Making a foundational relationship takes similar core values, but it can include different career paths, family experiences and ways of thinking. I think if my partner and I had the same personality, life would be pretty boring (lol).
- Accepting you for both who you are and who you aren’t. I think we hear a lot online about finding someone who loves you for who you are, which is all well and good, but we need to also focus on when we aren’t really ourselves. Someone who loves who you are shows you they love you by telling you what they love about you. My partner tells me a lot that he loves my personality, laughs at my weird and random jokes, and enjoys the silly ways I express myself. On the other hand, he knows and accepts when I am not feeling like myself. He learns how to best comfort me when I am feeling down and applies his learning when I am feeling off. This took a bit for him to figure out, but compassion and patience are always helpful.
- Finally, aiding in the healing process. If you are anything like me and have dealt with sh*tty relationships, you know how hard it is to heal from them. If you have a heart, you will be hurt by people, and that is okay. Accept what happened to you and trust that things can get better. It takes forever to fully move on, but it does get better. My partner has accepted that part of my past and has continued to love me through it, even though I considered myself broken and unfixable. He sees something in me that I have not seen in myself. He makes me feel safe, warm, and secure in myself and my body, and he sees the wonderful person that others had hurt before him. He shows me his love by healing my inner child who just wanted someone to love and to be loved back.
Keep in mind that this is all subjective and comes from my own experiences, and it might not be helpful to everyone, but I hope it helps at least one person know that they are not alone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that whatever situation you find yourself in, you are able to take something away from my experience.
Keep being you!
-K
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.