Disclaimer: This piece discusses experiences with domestic violence and abuse, which may be triggering for some readers. Please take care of yourself while reading. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, support is available. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for free, confidential help 24/7.
Many like to say that once you walk away from domestic violence, the hardest part is over. And I won’t deny that in some cases this can be true. However, healing can also be the hardest thing one can experience. Healing can catch up with a person when they are at their most vulnerable. At the least expected time, you can think you’re good one second, and then you’re back to the person you once were. This can be when you begin to process the number of emotions and guilt that were left unresolved from prior relationships. The most eye-opening lesson I learned this year is that you won’t heal overnight. It’s a long process that consists of ups and downs. Allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge what happened to you is a part of your healing process, and with that, we celebrate everything that comes along with it.
Healing makes you feel like you’re spinning in circles; it pulls us back into a state of mind that is constantly replaying moments we had already left behind. This can make us feel like we’re getting nowhere, but it shouldn’t be seen as a setback; instead, it’s a part of the cycle that guides us toward healing and growth. It’s important to remember that each time we relive those flashbacks we get the opportunity to face what once felt impossible.
This year has been full of grief and fear as I’ve attempted to navigate my way back to my true self. It has been a year since I was able to walk away from a relationship that took away more than I realized I could give. I was an 18-year-old naive girl who had never had a partner, so the idea that love could exist in any other form than the one I was in never crossed my mind. When everything happened, my first reaction was to shut down and pretend like nothing was going on. This seemed like the logical thing to do since this person was such a big part of my life, and I felt like they could do no wrong, even when those wrongs were hurting me. While it took months of denying and avoidance, I finally came to terms with the truth of what this was: abuse.
love can turn into control
I still remember the first time everything took a turn. I remember the harsh tone in their voice, the embarrassment I felt, the numbness inside me, and just the feeling of being so isolated from everything and everyone. Life this year has been full of reliving these moments, even when there were times I couldn’t get myself to remember what happened during certain occasions, which often left me second-guessing myself. I have felt like an imposter, constantly comparing myself to other survivors who know their story perfectly, but for me, this experience has been an ongoing back-and-forth idea of trying to prove that I actually did experience these things. Those are the type of moments I fear won’t ever leave me.Â
When I’m in that state of mind, I start questioning how different my life would have been if I hadn’t spent two years of being in a consistent fight-or-flight mode, because even after the breakup, I was left with the aftermath of it all. I catch myself holding onto emotions and memories that I still haven’t fully processed. In the past, this caused me to feel like I was behind everyone else my age. I hadn’t made friends in college, I missed out on all campus-related activities, and I struggled with the first college experiences that seemed to come easily to others. The thought of being so “behind” everyone else greatly affected me. It really pushed me to impulsively make decisions that others might judge or question me for, but at that stage in my life, I would have done anything to be able to leave that person in the past and build a life full of memories that weren’t all about them. It was a way to reclaim myself in any way I could at the time. As I tried to regain myself and allow myself to experience everything in a span of a year, there were still hard days when the tears caught up with me and the memories played nonstop. The smallest thing could trigger this reaction and get me to feel like I was back to square one.Â
This year has been the hardest. I’ve been stuck in a mindset that has made me feel trapped, but I’ve been slowly letting go of the pressure of wanting to find peace overnight. Instead, I’m trying to allow myself to feel hurt and process the years’ worth of emotions I had held in.Â
That’s the beauty of healing: there are no expectations or time limits
Healing can be such a slow and intimate process, and it can help you learn about patience and how to move forward at your own pace. Still feeling stuck at 18 as I approach my 21st birthday makes me sometimes question my progress, but I’ve come to learn that it’s okay because it’s not something I’m working to forget, but instead something I’m learning to face.Â
If you take anything from reading this, I hope it’s the reminder that your feelings are valid. You are allowed to feel angry, frustrated, and sad at any time of your journey. Just because we aren’t where we want to be right now doesn’t mean we won’t get there eventually. We are growing to become the person our past selves wish we could have been at that time.
If you’ve related to anything in this piece and need support, please know you’re not alone. Help is available. In the U.S., you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for free, confidential support 24/7.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org