Throughout my life, I have struggled with mental health. I have always felt as if there was a fog clouding my brain that prevented me from fully interacting with those around me. If you’ve heard the song “Waving Through a Window” from the musical Dear Evan Hansen, that’s exactly how I feel. So after doing some research and becoming a literal psychology major, I decided to have a full psychological evaluation done to see what was going on in my brain and how I could get the help I needed.
After two months of getting tested and waiting, I received my diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).
Am I surprised by these?
No.
Does it make it any easier to cope with?
No.
For the 24 hours after receiving my diagnosis, I was in a haze. I couldn’t believe I had legitimately been diagnosed with mental illnesses. I questioned why I had even wanted to go through the testing process in the first place if it meant that I now had to deal with my issues.
See, in my family, we accept and love others with mental illnesses. But the second it impacts our family, my parents brush it under the rug and don’t deal with it. I was never allowed to have mental health days growing up; if I wasn’t throwing up or running a fever, I went to school. (Keep in mind that I love my parents more than anything and they truly tried their best to raise me and my siblings.) If I had a bad day, I was left to my own devices to cope and figure it out. This really led to an internalization of emotions and self-sufficiency in everything I have gone through.
So receiving these diagnoses forced me to stop and look at my problems head-on, something that terrified me to no end. I told my close friends (thinking they would leave me to deal on my own), and they have been blessings in sticking by my side and helping me process my brain. One of them told me that I’m for real stuck with her forever, and no mental health diagnosis could make her not want to be friends with me. We even started Mexican food and therapy nights once a week where we go get Mexican food and talk about life and our feelings. I bought myself some noise-canceling headphones, and oh my gosh, those are the best things to ever happen to anybody with Autism! No longer am I overwhelmed by all the sounds that come with college life or just living in general! I have also allowed myself some grace when my depression sets in. Rather than forcing myself to go out with friends because I’m not really sick, I stay in and take care of myself because I actually am sick. I’ve found popcorn, music, and staring at a wall help when I’m not doing well.
I’m not going to lie, I’m still learning to accept myself for who I am with these diagnoses. But as one of my friends said, “Nothing about who you are has changed, you just have a diagnosis to describe it.” Keeping in mind that acceptance isn’t linear, I’m allowing myself the time and patience to learn and grow.
*Please note: these experiences are those of the writer alone. This is not official medical advice for diagnosing or coping with mental illnesses.*