I’m nervous.
This is surprising to absolutely no one, as me being nervous is a constant. However, I feel like this time I’m not really alone when it comes to the upcoming semester. Since we have shifted completely online, I thought I would be relieved. More often than not, it’s difficult for me to get out of bed and head to class, so the idea of staying home and knowing that I would just have to go to my desk for a zoom meeting sounded nice. The spring semester proved that theory to be very wrong. I felt disconnected from my professors as well as my classmates, some of my classes required us to meet while others didn’t, they just sent us the work and were like “make sure you have it by the end of the semester!” as if I don’t have untreated ADHD and will inevitably forget about it. While this was upsetting, I also understood that everyone was trying their best and that we were all thrown into this and had little to no time to figure out how to manage everything.
That’s not really the case now.
In theory, professors should be prepared to handle online teaching, but I don’t know what that looks like for them and that scares me. During the spring semester, it felt like my classes suddenly became more difficult and I felt even more overwhelmed with the workload. I also don’t know what they’re expecting of me. Basically, I don’t like not knowing.
The other thing that is making me nervous about classes is the lack of routine. While it is difficult for me to get to classes all the time, it was still a routine that for the most part, I could keep up with. Get ready, go to class, go to Eick, or the Stud, or even the Library to get some food, maybe I have another class or work, and then go to my dorm. I can keep up with that. Being in a house, way too close to my bed, where I only go outside for work and maybe a walk, it’s so easy for any sort of routine to get lost.
Certain aspects of mental health are already so frowned upon when in a physical college setting, so I’m not really expecting administrators to be as understanding when it comes to online classes. It feels as though people have become desensitized to the pandemic and that things are going back to normal when there’s still so much happening and it’s all very overwhelming.
I want to enjoy this semester as much as I can given the circumstances, but there are small worries that are just sitting in the back of my head, anticipating for everything to go wrong and that while last time I handled it pretty okay, that might not be the case this time around.