As a kid, life used to feel so simple and happy. I am privileged to be able to say that I had no worries in mind other than finishing my homework on time and being home back in time to watch my favorite shows. However, that only lasted so long until I hit my teen years. At this point, I began to notice some changes physically as well as mentally, one of them being a new awareness of how my skin looked as it was also going through changes. I was getting texture in my skin, small pimples, and could also see my pores. Suddenly, it became a habit to wake up and look at the state of my skin in the mirror. These morning checkups not only led to me noticing the changes in my skin but also all the arising imperfections that didn’t really fit with the beauty standard. It made me feel alone and unwanted. My confidence began to lower and I became quiet and shy.Â
From ages thirteen to sixteen I battled with my acne. My mom would take me to the dermatologist, multiple estheticians, and would buy me skincare that targeted acne. I will always be grateful to her for being so willing to help me feel confident in my skin, even if try after try, no real change occurred. But one unforgettable morning, as I woke up to do my usual skin check-up in the mirror, I noticed that I had no more breakouts and my acne scars were fading. I was scared that it was just a lucky day but over time, my skin’s appearance improved. During this time, my confidence slowly but surely began to rise as I learned to feel comfortable in my skin once again.
After graduating high school, my confidence and mental state were at an all-time high. That was until I apparently began going through the infamous “second puberty”. As I turned 20, I started experiencing bodily and hormonal changes that led to my acne coming back. At first, I thought it was temporary and would go away in no time, but that did not end up being the case. Before long, my acne became worse than what it had been the first time. It was really hard for me to leave my dorm without wearing makeup due to how self-conscious and aware I became. People started giving me unsolicited advice but I quickly got tired of it. Of course I was thankful for people caring and wanting to help me but all I wanted was for my clear skin to come back, to have a white canvas on my face once again. I wanted to wear makeup for fun instead of to hide my insecurities.
Unfortunately, this is a struggle that I am still dealing with. There are times when I accept the state of my skin, but there are also times when I struggle to look in the mirror and can’t leave my apartment with no makeup on. My acne scars are bittersweet. They serve as a reminder of how far I have come and that things will eventually get better. However, I am still not comfortable with people seeing them.
Society has repeatedly told us that having clear and flawless skin is what should be expected but that’s not the reality. Through my extensive journey, I have learned that adult acne is way more common than we think. It took me a while to understand that as the years go by, my body is continuously growing and changing which is beautiful in ways that society sometimes fails to express. Even though I am always going to be my biggest judge, these scars one day will remind me of how thankful I am for helping me become the person I am today.