In chronological order, these are some of my journal entries from the past couple of years. In this mix of excerpts are vulnerable and secret letters without any context. They’re dedicated to people who are currently in my life and people who are no longer in my life.
Safety
I want to tell you how much I appreciated your words the other night! I have been hurting. I have been feeling extremely lonely— sad. I was honestly feeling resentment towards you, because of the hurtful things you said. I couldn’t get past it. What you say means the most to me, so it hurts very deeply. hearing you say that you believe me, that it wasn’t my fault, made me feel so so so much better! I wanted to cry uncontrollably. You have no idea how much of a weight off my shoulders it was. I feel much better now. I feel… safer. I feel completely comfortable with you. You are the only person I can be so vulnerable with and all you do is love me. I think this is why I have been so needy lately. I guess I’m just happy to have you! I feel so much better not having to worry. I love you. You’re my best friend, my soulmate.
The Ways of August
Before you left, I meant to beg you, “Please don’t forget how I loved you.” But, I loved and still love you in ways you can’t see. I wrote down all the things you ever mentioned wanting, so someday I could get them for you. I kissed you gently all over your face once you fell asleep. I brushed my fingers over your cheeks and eyebrows, desperately hoping you could feel my love even if you were dreaming. Everything you were interested in, I learned everything about—secretly. I highlighted lines in my books that reminded me of you. They were secret love letters. I prayed for you even before I knew God. I didn’t ask Him to let me selfishly have you, instead, I asked Him to protect and guide you. When you weren’t around, I described you as gentle and empathetic, because you were, and I wanted people to love you how I loved you. Before you left, I wish I told you these things. Although, I know these things aren’t for you to know about. These moments were for me, and I’m just not selfish enough to tell you.
The Nets I Carry
I try to get over it because everyone loves you. I don’t want to cause any conflict. You really do a lot for us. Maybe, it was a bad moment. Maybe, I’m just being dramatic. I hate writing this down. I hate admitting that I resent you for it and that I pretend to laugh at your jokes. When you talk to me about how you’re doing, I’m not even listening. I almost feel like I’m paying you back in small increments. I hate admitting that because I want to forgive you. I want to let go. I want to have a gentle and empathetic soul. I want to be soft, but I don’t know how to get over it. I wish you never did that. I wish I wasn’t writing this. I wish I could just start over, and enjoy being your friend. Would you forgive me for resenting you? All this time? Will you forgive me for knowing I will hold it against you for the rest of my life?
Sincerely,
Ameenah