Last semester (fall 2022), I had the most amazing opportunity of participating in the Disney College Program. For those who may not be familiar, the DCP is a semester-long internship where college students move to Orlando, FL to work and study at Walt Disney World. To say that this was a life-changing experience is a complete understatement, of course. Yet, that’s not to say that it came without its hardships. It was really my first time being that far from home for a prolonged period of time. The working hours were long, and the time away was hard, but in the end, it was so, so worth it.
When I first got accepted into the program in the spring of 2022, I was simply consumed by my excitement to move to Florida. Once arriving, though, it was a major adjustment. I mean, how do you go from normal, everyday life to working and living at Disney World!?!? You don’t just wake up and feel like it’s an acceptable reality. And, to be honest, I didn’t really start to sink into this new reality until my internship was already almost over.
I knew that moving to Florida for 5 months was going to be tough, and although I loved the DCP, I was ready to be home. I missed my family, my friends, and my life at TAMU, and I was ready to have it all back. But I had no idea just how hard adjusting back to my old life would be.
I have never studied abroad unless you would consider living in the preposterous, absurd state that is Florida “abroad”. However, I know that TAMU offers various classes in “culture shock” before and after a study abroad program to help students sink into their new realities and adjust back to their old ones once returning home. I would have given anything to have had something like this. Stepping back into College Station for the first time felt like I was living in a movie, and this feeling has only just subsided. I was returning to a reality, only it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t returning as freshman Hannah. I had left an old life that I loved and had grown accustomed to only to pack up and live an entirely different one for a whole semester. Then, I returned to what I thought would be familiar, only it wasn’t. I returned to a reality that was no longer mine. So many aspects of my life had shifted since my departure, like where I worked, the classes I took, or even the organizations I was a part of. In a place where I once felt so large, I began to feel small.
More than anything, one of the hardest pills to swallow was the knowledge that so much change occurred in my absence. There were Texas Aggie football games, Midnight Yells, and Town Hall concerts that all transpired without my presence. I realize how odd of an idea it is to miss something you didn’t even get to experience, but I assume that is the premise of FOMO. And knowing that I missed out on a part of life that those closest to me had lived is something that I didn’t think would bother me as much as it has. As I said, I wouldn’t trade my semester away for anything, but I had also not realized just how different everything would be once I returned.
This is by no means to say that I am not happy to be back here. I missed my friends and family more than anything in the world. I missed school if I’m being totally honest. I missed writing with purpose. But that’s not to say that this return hasn’t brought along its own form of mental health struggles for me. Although I am home, there are times that I have never felt so out of place. I love my classes and my job, but they keep me so busy that I feel isolated from my family that only lives a few hours away. Loneliness is like a black hole, or the bagel in Everything Everywhere All at Once (you’re cool if you get the reference). It creeps up on you until it consumes you, and it becomes something you are unable to shake. As an ambivert, it’s an extremely frustrating feeling. It’s a feeling that I have been battling since my return. There are days that I absolutely love to be alone, and then there are days that a dark cloud just seems to be hovering over me.
With all of this being said, there is no doubt that life brings change. I think, in all honesty, that’s been the real essence of my struggle in adjusting back to being home. I have always had a gradual change in my life; the type of change that is tolerable, manageable, and expected. But this type was immediate and unforeseen. My time away, as well as my journey back, has taught me more about myself than anything else thus far in my life. I believe that is the scariest part of the whole process — that I am actually at the point in life where I am getting to know myself. This includes the good and the bad, and I believe that this abrupt change was a bit of a rude awakening for me. Yet, that doesn’t depreciate how special my time away was, and the fact that I truly would do it all over again if I could.
One of the biggest realizations I have had these past few months was just how much that semester away changed me as a person. I’m more independent than I ever was before, and for many who know me, it’s probably hard to believe that I could grow in that capacity. I’m more confrontational and comfortable sticking up for myself and others. I’m bold which is a word I would have never used to describe myself even just a year ago. I am more in tune with my interests and personal aspirations, and I am more steadfast in correcting someone when they feel they have the authority to tell me what I should do with my life. Although I wouldn’t necessarily call it a mapped-out plan, I at least feel that I have direction, and that is something that I feel I have been missing for a long time.