We have all been there; it’s a tough day and you run into a friend. They ask how you are. Instantly, you are faced with a decision. Do you: be honest and say how you’re really feeling, or do you free them from your personal burdens and lie? The simple question, “how are you,” has an implicit harmful nature and we should try to avoid it!
There are two outcomes of asking someone how they are doing:
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They are doing great! The person responds that they are doing well and the conversation moves on.
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They are not doing well. The person responds with their true emotions, causing the mood of the conversation to shift and become weighted down with emotions.
In the best case scenario, not much is accomplished by asking this question. It’s rare for a person to explain what makes them “great.” In the opposite scenario, this question contains many harmful aspects. It’s expected that when someone responds that they are not doing well the other person will probe for more context. This forces the person to confront the aspect that is making them feel this way, and consequently, making the person feel worse.
This question has become a pleasantry lacking sensitivity to the complexities of human emotion. Here’s some great alternatives to this age-old question that has a long overdue expiration date-
- What are you thinking about?
- How has your day/week/month been?
- What are you binge-watching lately?
- What have you been doing today?
- What is helping you to navigate life lately?
- Check in with the person, let them know you are here for them.
Try to figure out what you want to accomplish through asking this question, and find an alternative that does not place the person in this consequential choke-hold. We owe it to our friends!