Why is there so much pressure to define your sexuality? People by their very nature are curious creatures, and the way life is understood and communicated about is through labels. Because of this, people often want to inquire about someone’s sexuality so that they can understand them. If you are ever in such a situation, you are not obligated to answer in a way that satisfies those who are asking. While you cannot choose who you are attracted to, you are entitled to choose the words with which you wish to relate yourself to the world around you.
Labels can help you relate to others, and if understanding yourself means specifically labelling your sexuality, then that is amazing. It is so important to be accepting of your sexuality in your own heart. Accepting yourself does not necessitate identifying as a specific labelled sexuality, though, as these terms neither define you as a person, nor will everyone’s sexuality fall neatly into the categories of the accepted terms.
When I was first introduced to the concept of sexuality, I already knew that I was not straight, but I did not publicize this because I felt so much pressure to identify as straight and feared that I would not be accepted otherwise. The pressure to be in a heterosexual relationship and to remain closeted built up, and I often felt ashamed for not being straight and not always wanting to be in a heterosexual relationship. I feared that I would not be good enough for others to accept me because I was not straight. I felt this way because I lacked the confidence to accept myself and was living to please the people who were the source of my pressure rather than living to please myself. Now that I accept myself and am proud of who I am, I do not fear the rejection of others because their intolerance is a reflection of them, not a reflection of me.
Ever since I have grown to accept myself, I have explained my sexuality to others by saying “I like who I like,” or “I can like a lot of different types of people,” or “I’m queer,” because those terms are the ones that I identify with. To me, they mean that I am part of the LGBTQ+ community, and they are the terms that best describe my sexuality, although the first two are not traditionally accepted terms. When I say any of these to people, they often try to refine my sexuality down to a specific label, responding with, “So do you like males and females? Oh, you do? That means you’re bisexual.” Then, I gently explain to them that I am not bisexual and that my sexuality is much broader than that, as I am attracted mainly to who people are and their personalities, not solely to the body parts that they have. “Oh, so that means you’re pansexual,” they say. “Not quite. There’s more to it than that,” I say definitively, only to be met with confused looks plastered on their faces.
If others are not satisfied with that response, I am okay with that, because others are not obligated to know whom I am attracted to. My sexuality does not fit in a specific label, and I do not need to explain that to anyone who does not understand. Of course, I am happy to discuss my sexuality in depth with trusted friends, but acquaintances and people who I first meet do not need to know the specifics of my attractions.
My sexuality is personal to me, as understanding it is my own experience, and no one needs to understand it. I think it is okay if I do not even understand it sometimes, as sexuality is an incredibly complex and nuanced concept to wrap one’s head around. Even still, I know whom I am attracted to, and that is between myself and the person I am attracted to. If I someday relate to a specified sexuality and want the world to know about it, then I will happily identify as such. That is not where I am at in my life right now, though, and that is totally okay.
I give the above examples from my life to say that if you do not identify as a specific sexuality, that is just as perfectly okay as it is to identify as a specific sexuality. Just do not let fear hold you back from living life as your true self. At the same time, you do not need to justify your sexuality or explain it to anyone if you do not want to. Your personal adventure of understanding yourself and living your life is your own business, and pressure from others should not only never influence who you date, but it should also never influence how you choose the words with which you relate to the world. You do not have to identify as a sexuality if you do not identify with it. No one has the power to reject you from the LGBTQ+ community for not identifying with a specific sexuality. And if they try to do this, that is their personal problem that they have to get over, not yours. It is perfectly acceptable to be attracted to whomever you are attracted to. If you accept this and yourself, that is all that matters.
You are living your own life and no one else’s, so why let someone’s opinion influence how you identify yourself? At the end of the day, you are going to be with yourself and your thoughts, and you have to be comfortable with the life choices you have made, including your choices about how you publicly identify your sexuality. So, you might as well make those decisions for yourself, because living in fear of rejection or living your life to please others is not going to satisfy you. Do not let others convince you that you should be anything other than yourself. Although you cannot choose who you are attracted to, the words through which you communicate your sexuality are yours and yours alone to choose. However you choose to relate to the world, as long as you are listening to what is in your heart and are learning to accept yourself for who you are with confidence, compassion, and love, you are more than enough.