“On a rainy September night in the woods outside a frat house that doesn’t cap, the D1 football player I was losing my virginity to, lets call him Matt, asked me if I was a virgin. When I said yes and he was even more turned on, I was suddenly drowning in irony. Just earlier that day, I was working on a paper about the “virginity fetish” and the obsession society has with whether or not a girl has had sex. And here I was, losing my virginity with a guy who found me more attractive because he was claiming me first. I held back the desire to ask if I can quote and cite him for my paper. We (meaning he) finished and got dressed and returned to the party. The next day, I told my friends about my adventure in the forest. After hearing mixed responses, I was beginning to understand the double standard us women face when trying to express our sexualities.” -Stony Brook Contributor (SBC)
Society prefers to think of women as one of two things: a sl*t or a sexy virgin. If a woman prefers to have safe, consensual sex and to express her healthy sexuality, she’s a wh*re who must be ridiculed. If a woman prefers to wait, she’s an irresistible virgin who must be claimed and deflowered. There is a “fetish” for virgins because they are seen as “clean” and “pure.” But the fact is that “virginity” does not exist. The term virginity is used because society likes to label things, especially when it comes to young women. Each person has his or her own ideas of sexuality and what they are comfortable with, but a woman’s virginity is seen as representing her integrity and her virtues. Those who are virgins are seen as holier-than-God while women who enjoy sex have to endure “sl*t-shaming.” Being a virgin, not being a virgin… Why should it matter to anyone other than yourself? To paraphrase a popular feminist mantra: What do you call a woman who has lots of sex? Her name.
Sex is a natural part of life, the actual reason for existence evolutionarily speaking, yet society has turned it into this enigmatic, taboo experience for women. Society wants women to be virgins solely for the purpose of being more attractive to men. Once a woman is deflowered, she is tossed aside because now she is a filthy sl*t. Men are the ones who make women “impure,” but they are also the ones doing most of the judging. The other judging comes from other women, stemming from the forced mentality that women are competing with each other over men so they must tear each other down. There is this toxic idea that a man is the ultimate prize but when a woman plays the game and wins, she is ridiculed.
College girls’ self-esteem can suffer because they are led to believe their self-worth is tied to their sexuality, and they cannot win either way. A woman is taught to be ashamed of her body and keep her legs closed until a man wants her. God forbid a woman makes her own decisions about her own sex life and enjoys her sexuality. Popular feminist blogger Jessica Valentini points out that sexuality is complex, yet in the eyes of society “you can either be the virgin or the sl*t. Once you have sex and you’re not the virgin anymore, you have to commit to the other.”
Especially in college, I encourage young women to make their own choices about their sex lives and not worry about what others say. Each person has their own comfort levels and makes their own choices, while also keeping in mind the possible consequences. A woman who has safe sex and a woman who saves herself for marriage are both equally important and beautiful, no matter what society tries to say about either one.
“Thinking back on that rainy September night, when I told Matt I was a virgin, unfortunately, it’s no surprise he responded, ‘That’s kinda hot actually.'”-SBC