So recently, I’ve seen a lot of articles floating about on the internet about what to do if you think you’re stuck in a toxic friendship. These articles sound something like:
5 signs your friend isn’t really your friend
How to cut toxic people out of your life
4 types of toxic friends
And these kind of friendships definitely exist, I’m not saying they don’t. But in my experience, the line is always a little more blurry than that. See, those are the kind of people where, even if cutting them out of your life is difficult, and painful, you know you’re doing the right thing. Because they aren’t good for you.
But I reckon it’s much more common that actually when you’re anxiously searching up these articles at 3am, wondering if you’ve made a mistake letting someone into your life, what you’re actually feeling is growth. Or out-growth, if that makes sense. Sometimes, your friend is not toxic, not bad for you, has done nothing wrong, but you still have that uncomfortable feeling gnawing in the back of your throat that something isn’t quite right anymore.
And that’s really because not all relationships in life, friendship or otherwise, are meant to or going to last. I’m not really the type to believe everything happens for a reason. Instead, I like to think that things happen. And you can take something from it if you want to. And as you go through different stages of your life, whether it be starting college, or moving cities or even just getting older — sometimes you just outgrow a friendship.
And it’s a horrible feeling. It’s probably just as bad as if that friend really were toxic, because this person hasn’t done anything wrong to you. There’s no reason for you to be deleting their number or blocking them on social media or jumping in a bush so you don’t have to speak to them when you see them walking down the street. Except for the fact that this friendship no longer brings something positive to your life.
And that can come in different forms. Maybe it’s a friend you’ve had for years, since you were a little kid in kindergarten, and now you’re college students — a love of playdough and making necklaces out of pasta just isn’t enough to bond you together anymore. Or maybe it’s someone you met when you were a teenager, when the world feels scary and large and you’ve just started figuring out your place in it. It’s pretty natural in that time to want to cling to the same person who has always been there, even if it doesn’t make you feel good about yourself anymore.
For me, it happened gradually. Day by day we grew further apart until one day I realised we were repeating conversations, and there was very little keeping us together, apart from the fact that we always had been. And I didn’t really know who I was if I wasn’t her friend. For years, I clung onto this friendship whilst she was trying to meet new people and form new connections separate to me.
To be honest, for a while I really resented her for that — not a nice feeling to have towards sometime who was once the person who knew you best. So, basically what I’m saying is to learn from my mistakes. I made this whole process of ‘letting go,’ so much harder on myself, because I was clinging on to a friendship that didn’t really exist anymore, and honestly? By this point, we were so separate, even when I was around her I just felt bad anyway, because the disparity between who we were and who we are now was so blatant.
It took me a long time to realise that this bad feeling I was having, this uncomfortable twitchy I-don’t-know-what-to-say-to-you thing I was feeling around my ‘best friend,’ wasn’t just a sign that she had ‘dumped me as a friend.’ She’d let go, because she’d outgrown me, and it took me even longer to accept that I’d outgrown her too. And be okay about it.
I think my best tip in this kind of situation, is to accept that it’s going to be painful. You know friends can be so close they feel like family, and so learning to detach yourself is never going to be easy even if it’s what’s necessary.
I guess you kind of have to treat it like a grieving process, even if that does feel like it’s over the top or melodramatic or you risk being called a drama queen. But you’re saying goodbye to something and so really you can look it in a similar way:
Denial
You can spend a long time trying to patch something together, figuring out if it’s worth hanging onto someone, but usually, those seeds of doubt are there for a reason.
Anger
Especially if you’re more the dumpee than the dumper in this situation, it’s normal to feel as if you’ve been a bit abandoned, and to feel hurt about it. That’s okay. But don’t let yourself stay in this angry place for too long, it doesn’t achieve anything and it will just make you feel worse.
Bargaining
I used to think ‘if only I was this or we could do that like we used to,’ thinking of the ways to rebuild that friendship that was once there. And this is like a bandage on a scraped knee; it might work for a little while but at some point you have to peel it off and deal with the mess underneath.
Sadness
When someone is so close to your heart, learning to take that part back is rough, and it hurts. But if we’re going back to that example of the cut on your knee, maybe it’ll start to bruise and that might feel like it’s getting worse. But didn’t every grown-up always tell you as a kid that the bruise means it’s healing itself? That applies here too. Sadness in letting go is healthy.
Acceptance
And then you come full circle to the place where I can happily say I amnow. I’m not saying it’s as simple as out with the old, in with the new, but try and not see it as a negative thing. Letting go of a friend you have outgrown does not mean getting rid of the memories and time you shared as friends. It doesn’t mean having a big argument and making a pointless statement of blocking them on Instagram and deleting them out of your life. It is simply giving both of you the freedom to find your own way, and that’s a good thing, even if it’s hard.
So it’s not really as simple as one person no longer being a good friend to you or being a bad person. The reality is that very few people are actually toxic friends. But unfortunately, not everyone is supposed to fit together permanently. Letting go of someone does not make them bad, and it doesn’t make you bad either.
I still see my friend now and then, at parties back home and we tag each other in the odd meme about things we found funny as kids. And when that does happen, it’s nice and natural and I can feel glad that I did have her by my side for all those years. But it isn’t a security blanket, and I know that I don’t need it.